Adoption is wonderful and beautiful and HARD. So hard. A friend of mine adopted her 8 year old daughter from Ethiopia last August and a few months later she said she wished someone had told her how hard it was going to be. I told her it was hard, but she didn't realize how hard. Obviously sometimes it is harder than others, but three things are nearly constants in adoption:
1. The child is going through great loss.
2. The family is going through enormous change, and often jet lag. (12hr time difference for us.)
3. The community often doesn't know how to support them.
Jen Hatmaker wrote a great blog post on how to support adoptive families:
How To Be The Village. It is true and real and funny (just like Jen), but it's long, so I'm afraid every reader here won't read the whole thing. Read it if you have time, but if not I'll summarize, and apply it to our family for you below.
Charlie will be going through all kinds of emotions for a very, very long time. He will be easily overwhelmed, often overstimulated and super sensitive. When we bring him home, he will be gaining a family (awesome), but he will have just lost nearly everything he has ever known or cared about. The only home he can remember, his ayis who are like his mamas, his friends, his animals, his language, his routine, everything. We will be laying low and staying home for several weeks in order to limit his stress and help him become comfortable in his new home. He also does not know what having a family with one mom and one dad looks like. His brain will take time figuring this out. There will be a lot of meltdowns, a lot of tears, and a lot of testing Mommy and Daddy.
Finding tangible ways to support an adoptive family can be tricky, especially if you don't realize what they are going through. When someone has a newborn baby, having showers and meals brought to them are expected. People assume you aren't getting any sleep and they expect you to take time off of work and other responsibilities. With adoption, especially with an older child, this is often not the case. I am not saying I want a shower for a 7 year old (I'm really not, and a couple of my sweet friends did ask), but that is just a traditional way to show support. So if you know someone adopting a younger child or baby, yes, they want, need and deserve a shower. But if they are adopting an older child, there are other ways to "shower" them. Restaurant cards, frozen meals, gifts for the child, play-dates with older sibs, coffee (or wine) for parents, Target cards, Amazon cards, etc.
We have already felt supported by our village through our fund-raising and your prayers.
Even you reading my blog makes me feel supported. But the fun is just beginning.
I'm just going to go ahead and tell you, this transition is going to be hard for me. We will be returning from China on a Saturday and Stephen will be returning to work that Monday. His current job is very demanding and requires a lot of travel. His vacation days will be eaten up by our 2+ week trip to China. Our new son is a very energetic child who does not speak English. He is going to require a ton of attention, patience, and energy. My adopted daughter is very insecure at times and quite stressed about her parents having enough love to go around for all three kids. She is going to require a ton of attention, patience, and energy. I am excited and scared at the same time.
We will hole up and cocoon for the first week home, and then after that would love visitors. Please call or text so we can let you know when would be a good time for a visit, but I know I'm going to need some encouragement and time with friends. If my house is a wreck and my kids are acting like hooligans, don't judge me. Just laugh (or cry) with me and bring me a casserole.
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