First Christmas Home

Charlie looooves those dancing & singing animals that are most people's least favorite thing about Christmas.  I just asked Stephen to take him to CVS to get another one.  One because they're all 50% off now, two because I wanted 30 minutes to myself, and three, I knew that was a sure-fire way for Charlie to agree to go somewhere with Stephen.  We are still working on their bonding.  It is hard on everyone when Charlie fusses about Stephen doing anything for him or with him.



Christmas went much better than I expected it too.  The hardest part was just that there was (and is) never a break from his endless energy.  I literally go to bed about the time he does every night, and he wakes up about 15-30 mins after me every morning.  But, he was sweet and fun and really enjoyed getting and giving gifts, and time with family.  He got a nice range of things he likes-- from dancing dogs to circuit sets to money for the vending machine.  He never asked us about Santa, and we never mentioned him.  Even though he liked to sing songs about him, I think he understood that it's all just pretend.



He did pretty well sitting through the candlelight Christmas Eve service at church, and absolutely loved the candles. One thing we have realized in the past month is how much he likes and appreciates lights.  We went through a drive-thru light show a few weeks ago and he LOVED it. When people ask me how much he sees, I have started to recently say, "Well, he is more blind than he is sighted."  Within 1-3 feet, he can see a good bit, but past that it has to be pretty big for him to see it-- like a bus or a truck.  For example, usually doesn't know when another person is sitting 5-6 feet away from him.  But with the lights... WOW!  He could see them!  He named the colors and could even tell what some of the displays were before we told him.



He has such a great sense of humor and entertains us constantly.  He is snaggle-toothed now and more adorable than ever.  He still loves to be held and still needs me to go to sleep most nights, but as long as it is strengthening our relationship and his trust and confidence, I am still willing to do it when I can.  He loves to sing, and is getting better and better at playing.  He will now play Legos some and loves marble mazes.  We went to an indoor water park a few days ago and just like at Six Flags, he feared nothing.  After each ride (no matter how scary) at the bottom he'd say, "Let's do it again!"



Last Christmas we were longing to have him home, this Christmas we did and are possibly more tired than we have ever been, and hopefully next Christmas he won't be quite so exhausting, but he probably won't notice all of the details that he did this year, because it was his first.  It was fun and special, even if I plan to sleep all day next Tuesday when he finally goes back to school.

5 Months Home

There is an adoption book that talks about parenting your adopted child by their family age and not their chronological age.  Like a 3 year old home for 6 months, you would treat like a 6 month old.  Well, it doesn't make quite as much sense with an 8 year old home for 5 months, but when I think about that concept, it does help me cut Charlie some slack.  And when I read back over some of my blog entries from the first couple of months home, I am reminded that even though he still has a loooong way to go, he has come quite far.

He is much less controlling.  He almost never asks me for my keys anymore, and he doesn't mind listening to music in the car.  He likes to choose which car we take, but does better in the car than he did, he just talks constantly.  He is still incredibly busy and hyper, but he can sit and play, and he even does so on occasion.  He whines, but not nearly as much as before. Now he is more likely to argue than complain.  I am still worn out most of the time, but that is no longer all because of Charlie.

He does some pretty crazy things that would be funny if they weren't so annoying.  Like the other day, he put a radio with Christmas music on in the front yard, cranked it way up and pulled numerous toys outside and got ready for a "party" which no one came to.  A few nights ago, he said he was going to take a bath, but then realized Sam was still in the back yard playing.  So, wet and naked, he opened the bathroom window and started throwing bath toys out to Sam in the back yard.  Of course Sam thought it was so outrageous he could not contain his delight, even though I've asked him not to encourage behavior like that.

Charlie is finally in love with me.  He loves me so much he doesn't want to go to school anymore. He loves me so much, he doesn't want Stephen to do anything for him.  He loves me so much he sleeps on my floor almost every night.  His new favorite thing is me rocking him and singing "Rock-a-Bye Charlie."  The other day, he asked me what he will do when I "get died."  Y'all, this is huge.  He went from scoping out a new family just two months ago, to depending on me and preferring me over anyone else.  We are now working on nurturing his bond with Stephen too.

For months, when I would do something nice or kind for him, he'd say, "Why you do that for me, Mom?"  And I'd say, "Because I love you.  Because you are my son."  A few days ago, he asked me that, and I said, "You tell me.  Why do I do that?"  He grinned and said, "Cuz I your son.  You love me!"  You got it, Buddy!



He used to act so confident, when we first got him.  (He was trying to hide his fear.)  Then later, he acted scared of everything.  (Showing vulnerability.)  Now, he is not as fearful, but he still has a good bit of anxiety.  He'll say things make him "nerbous."  He sleeps on our floor more than in his bed, he still likes to be held A LOT and he asks people to go with him when he goes upstairs or downstairs and no one is on that floor.  When Stephen leaves to go out of town, Charlie will say, "Is he going to come back?"  Of course.  He always comes back, but Charlie is still needing him to prove it.  I am pretty sure that once he feels secure, he will have a brand new, true and genuine confidence that will make us all very proud.

I think I say something about how smart he is every single blog, but it is just amazing.  The words and vocabulary he uses astound me.  Stephen and I lived in Costa Rica for a year and a half many years ago, so we speak some Spanish.  It is very convenient when we don't want the kids to know what we're saying.  A few weeks ago, we were leaving town for 2 nights and I hadn't set up for anyone to feed the cats.  That is something that would really worry Charlie, so in Spanish I said, "Ai, olvide de pedir a alguien para dar de comer a los gatos."  He gasped and said, "Oh!  Who gonna feed da cats!?"  Stephen and I just stood there in shock.  The kid who says he no longer speaks Chinese, understands SPANISH!?  I posted about this on Facebook and found out from someone at Bethel that there was a Chilean woman who used to volunteer there and hang out with Charlie on Saturdays.  So apparently he learned some Spanish in China too.  Lol!



We would appreciate your prayers next week.  I have a feeling being out of his routine and the craziness of the Christmas week could really be hard on Charlie.  We are going to try to have some sort of routine, and keep things relatively simple, but that is easier said than done.  It will definitely be a Christmas to remember-- hopefully in positive ways! ;)

Oh, Charlie!

Our Charlie may be exhausting, he may be the busiest kid I've ever met.  He may wear us out and stretch us more than we ever wanted to be stretched.  But he is hilarious.  And it's a good thing.  When Stephen is stressed, he works out.  When I am stressed, I eat and sleep.  He is getting very skinny and I keep getting fatter and fatter.  I have days when I am enjoying this season, and I have days when I want to go to bed at 6:00pm.  But Charlie can still make me laugh-- multiple times a day.  And he acts like he likes me now, which is quite nice.  He only tells me he doesn't like me once or twice a week (when he's really mad about not getting his way).  There was a time he told me that once or twice an hour.  And sometimes he even just blurts out, "I like you, Mom!"



He still almost never stops, from wake-up to bedtime.  Last week we went to my parents' house for 2 nights for Thanksgiving and that was a much-needed "break" for us.  It wasn't a complete break, but having two sets of extra hands with the kids was very nice.  And Charlie loved riding his riding toys, playing with their dog, toy guns, and skinny dipping in their hot tub.



He continues to do well in school and falls more in love with his teachers and para-pro every day. He is so smart and catches on to things very quickly. He flawlessly delivered a line in his class's Thanksgiving performance.  He is very confident in school and is catching up quicker than we expected him to.  Last week he had his first play date with a friend from his class!

First Turkey & Dressing!

We have started attending a church close to our house.  It is very small and they have been very accommodating with Charlie.  We have been 4 weeks in a row, and he finally looks forward to it, and says he wants to go.  Yay!  Recently on a drive, he had to pee and we stopped in a church parking lot for him to go in a bottle. When he was finished he said, "Bye, church!  I love you, Jesus!"  No disrespect, Lord.






His obsession with vending machines is unwavering.  He told me the other day, "Mom, when I get big, I will try not to talk about vending machines so much.  I know it get on your nerbs."  He asked Santa for a vending machine.  Stephen took him to the zoo and instead of the animals, he wanted to find all of the vending machines.  One day at the grocery, I was in line close to the door and I told him he could go out and look at the vending machines.  When I came out,  he was there talking to a worker about the new vending machine.  And how could it only be 50 cents?  And why were certain drinks sold out?  And when was she going to fill it back up?  Stephen asked him recently where he wanted to work when he grows up and he said Walmart.  Stephen said, "What do you want to do at Walmart?"  Charlie's answer: "Fill the vending machines."  Last night I changed the words to Silent Night for him, and sang:

Vending machines, vending machines
Charlie loves vending machines
He puts paper money in
Coins come out, with a soda
Charlie LOVES vending machines
Charlie loves vending machines

He asked me to sing it twice.  It was that good.
He is super excited about Christmas and in his enthusiasm has restrung all of the Christmas lights and broken multiple ornaments.  He loves to sing and knows quite a few Christmas songs.  He doesn't really know or care much about Santa, but we did take him to see The Caring Santa (which is for kids with special needs) and he was sweet and polite.  He loves snow globes that play music and Stephen reminds me everyday that he is going to break them, but oh well.  Worse things have happened.



As I've mentioned before, I have been concerned with Charlie's lack of weight gain.  After over 4 months home and not a pound gained, I finally talked our pediatrician into ordering a test for parasites.  I mean what do we have to lose?  I'm a nurse.  I kind of obsess about poop.  Charlie comes from institutional care in China.  It is extremely likely that he comes with a parasite.  I went immediately to pick up the kit from the doctor.  When Charlie got home I told him the next time he had to go poo-poo I needed to collect a little bit of it.  Um, WHAAAAT??????  No way.  He said that was "disgusting."  He would not, absolutely not, give me his poop.  I tried to explain the reason, but for a kid who hopes one day that animals will grow in his belly I didn't think telling him a tiny worm might be in there would go over too well.  I just said the doctor needed to see it to see if it was healthy poop.  He said it wasn't happening.  He would only poop at school if he had to.

Two days went by and I was ready to test that poop.  That night at dinner I told him I really needed him to poop at home.  If he did, I would give him a sticker.  He IMMEDIATELY ran to the bathroom and yelled, "It's coming!  My poo-poo is coming!!!"  It wasn't.  He went back and forth 4 times (during dinner, remember?) until I said Whatever, just go in the toilet and I'll figure something out.  I would believe it when I when I saw it.  At that point, Sam decided this could possibly be fun, and said he could "collect it" for me.  The next time they went in there, it happened.  Sam started screaming like a girl.  I went in there, and Sam said Never mind, I could do it.  He was "freaked out."

The next day, I took it in and guess what?  He had Giardia.  After 7 days of Flagyl three times a day, he immediately started gaining weight.  He has already gained 2 pounds.  Mamas keep it up. Sometimes we are right.  When we are, it feels good.

Charlie claims he no longer knows Chinese.  I am certain that when he hears Chinese he still understands, and he enjoys listening to Chinese Nursery Songs.  But recently we Skyped with his teacher from Bethel and he spoke to her completely in English.  That makes me a little sad.  It is amazing how quickly he is learning English, but it seems like his brain has shut off Chinese.



Here are some of Charlie's versions for English words, for your entertainment (and ours in the future, when he no longer says things this way):
Scabetti = Spagetti
Old Maybe = Old Navy
Big Wheel = Goodwill
I forget you = I forgive you
Dunklings = Dumplings
Yesternight = last night
Flesh You = Bless You
Toylah = toilet



We are looking forward to making more memories this holiday season!

Attachment: Progress

So, we are definitely making progress in attachment, but it isn't as fun and fuzzy as it sounds.  For the past couple of weeks Charlie has wanted to be held a lot, especially in public.  Lucky for me, he is still very light for an 8 year old, but it is still quite a workout to lug him around.  This is a good sign of attachment.  For the past 2 weeks he has not been able to go to sleep without me.  He even cried real tears a couple of nights when I said I was going to check on the other kids and I'd be right back. Sometimes it takes up to 45 minutes for him to go to sleep.  It can get exhausting, but it is a good sign of attachment. He will wrap up some random toy very elaborately with paper and tape and whatever and bring it to me as a "present."  Some days he does this multiple times and makes quite a mess.  This is a good sign of attachment.  Last week we went to church for the first time in ages.  When Stephen left Charlie in his class he clung to him like velcro and begged him not to go.  Good sign. Today he cried when I left him to take the other 2 kids to a movie (even though he didn't want to go).  This was the first time he has cried when I left him.  Again, a good sign. Not easy stuff, but definite progress. And I am happy about it, even though sometimes when I'm losing patience and ready for him to act his age, I need a reminder.  "These are good signs of attachment, Dawn."  Most children bond with a consistent caregiver as infants, and it affects their brain development significantly. So in adoption, sometimes it is necessary to treat them as you would an infant for them to become attached to you. But it can work! The brain can learn attachment, even in an 8 year old.

When we first got Charlie, for the first month or two, nearly anytime he didn't get his way he would tantrum.  He still has tantrums occasionally, but they are pretty few and far between.  That is NOT to say he doesn't get upset, but his reaction is different now.  Sometimes he'll run off to his room, sometimes he'll go to my room and "steal" something (like a lamp or candle) and once he took all the light bulbs out of every lamp in the house and hid them.  His methods are less explosive, which is certainly less exhausting.  Usually he'll come around within half an hour or so and apologize and release the hostages.  I would say this is definite progress too.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Daniel Tiger is THE BEST show for kids with attachment issues.  Charlie watches the same episodes over and over and they almost always apply to him.  His recent favorite is: "When you're feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help."  They have covered so many things that we deal with that we are always singing the little lines back to him, and he really remembers the episode and the lesson he learned.

Recently he was sad that Sam and Kate have so many trophies and he doesn't have any.  So I took him to Goodwill one afternoon and he picked out a trophy for 99 cents.  I told him it was for being such a good son.  He was thrilled and so proud.  That night at bedtime he was being very difficult and had his first tantrum in over a week.  Later, when we were laying in bed he said, "Mom?  I gotta give dat trophy back?"  When I said, No, he was still a good son, he was visibly relieved.  I'm pretty sure Daniel Tiger talked about mistakes too, but I can't remember the song right now.

He seems to be enjoying teasing more.  Maybe also a good sign of attachment?  He will say or do something silly and then say, "Oh, I'm just choking.  Just choking you, Mom."  His English is still funny, but we almost always know what he means or what he is trying to say.  He is still working on pronouns and anyone (male or female) is "her" which really bothers Sam.  He still eats regular food at breakfast like the Chinese: soup, noodles, dumplings, occasionally yogurt or fruit.  The other day he asked for corn. (!)  But he does a good job eating what the family eats at dinner.  He often complains about the food before he even tries it and then once he is told what is for dessert, somehow is able choke it down.

He still tells us he doesn't like us a lot, and this may go on for a very long time.  Luckily (?) Sam and Kate have just gotten used to it and actually ignore it most of the time.  Sometimes I still have the energy and patience to say, "Well, I LOVE you, Charlie."  But most of the time I have to admit I just say, "Oh well, that's too bad, Charlie.  Because you're stuck with us forever."  It depends on my mood and what kind of day we're having.  He has told me once or twice in the past couple of weeks that he likes me better than the nannies ("mamas") at Bethel.  That may not sound like a big deal, but as many times as he has said the opposite, I think it is kind of a big deal, personally.

4 Month Update

Good news!  We're laughing again!  Things are still hard, Charlie still tells us he doesn't like us pretty much every time he doesn't get his way, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.  His energy is still endless, but he has started back wanting to watch Chinese videos and listen to music on the iPad, so he will sit still for that.  His attitude is much lighter than it was last week.  He is not easy, but he has been complaining a lot less, and making us laugh a lot more.  I still feel like I will never catch up on the laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc. but as far as complete emotional exhaustion goes-- that is better.

Last night Charlie and Sam were playing and Charlie didn't get his way about something, and he said, "I don't like Sam."  Sam calmly said, "I don't like it when you say that.  I am not going to play with you if you say that."  After a few minutes, Charlie said, "Sorry Sam.  I like you."  Sam said, "I like you too."  "Why you like me?"  "Because you're my brother.  I LOVE you!  I will love you forever." Yay, Sammy!  Go Buddy!  I couldn't be prouder.  Script-perfect response with beautiful results.

Kate came home the other day and asked me if I'd pay her to help out with Charlie.  Sure.  She has also been doing amazingly well with him this week, even if it is for monetary gain.  At least she is donating the money she makes, so it is still partially character building, I suppose.

I just love it when people ask me what I do all day. It makes me feel so good about myself. Someone at work the other day asked me that. "So what do you do all day, while your kids are at school?"  I didn't want to sound too defensive, so I just said, "I just try to catch my breath."  But there are certainly days when I feel like I need a life coach. In theory, we live a pretty simple life: we don't watch TV during the week, I work very part time, two of our kids are in one activity each, we rarely travel, hardly ever even go to church these days, and yet I still feel overwhelmed. Keeping a clean house is pretty much out of the question.  I know I need to exercise, but can't find the time or motivation.  I do have someone come every other week to clean, and I feel like I spend the 2 weeks in between just getting the house ready for her to come again.  Living with a tornado is not easy.

Last weekend we went to a corn maze and in theory I thought it would be a good idea to pack a lunch.  That didn't happen.  On the way home, I told Stephen, "There are people that have a lot more kids than us, go to the beach, go camping, home-school, work full time, whatever, and I can't even get my act together enough to pack a lunch for the corn maze!"  Maybe one day.

As I said in a previous post, we know that Charlie likes and needs routine.  This is why weekends are so hard for him.  I read an article this week that was a great reminder.  Here is a part that hit home: Children with attachment problems are very sensitive to changes in schedule, transitions, surprises, chaotic social situations, and, in general, any new situation. Busy and unique social situations will overwhelm them, even if they are pleasant! Birthday parties, sleepovers, holidays, family trips, the start of the school year, and the end of the school year -- all can be disorganizing for these children. Because of this, any efforts that can be made to be consistent, predictable and repetitive will be very important in making these children feel "safe" and secure. When they feel safe and secure they can benefit from the nurturing and enriching emotional and social experiences you provide them. If they are anxious and fearful, they cannot benefit from your nurturing in the same ways.

We obviously cannot avoid all social engagements until he is attached to us, but we can be more understanding and sympathetic when he is stressed out and acting completely obnoxious.

 He did great on Saturday though, and thoroughly enjoyed his first Trick-or-Treat!  All 3 kids were minions, costumes compliments of my mom.  After he would say Trick or Treat and get candy, he would say, "Tank you!  See you next Halloween!"  to every person, whether he sees them every day or once a year.

Last week when things were very hard, I got 2 very encouraging emails.  The first was from a Bethel employee who knows Charlie-- knows his good side, and his difficult side.  Here is what she said:

I've decided I'm not allowed to read your blog if I'm wearing make-up. I always cry! :)

I wanted to let you know that I pray for your family just about every time I read your status on Facebook. I know it's hard work re-building and patching up things that were broken a long time ago. I think the Lord has given me just a tiny glimpse of the man that He is growing Charlie into being.

He will understand how to help others confront their deepest fears.

He will know how to show boundless grace to people who don't deserve it.

He will stretch out his hand towards people who have fallen over.

He will fight for those that he loves.

He will dream big dreams.

He will persist after those dreams when people tell him he's crazy.

When he chooses Jesus, he will choose Him with his whole heart.

God will not waste a single drop of his past suffering. You are such a great mom, and you are doing a wonderful job. The same grace you show your children every day, God has for you too.

The reminder of how Jesus is working behind the scenes on Charlie's behalf has really impacted me today, and made me realize how much good God is doing in my own family's life--using the very things that are so hard and difficult to bear to show His great kindness and grace to us.

And the second email was from his ESOL teacher.  When I saw the subject line that said, "From Charlie's ESOL Teacher,"  I have to admit, I assumed the worst.  But what she said brought tears to my eyes.  It was very timely and encouraging.  Here is part of her note:

First let me say, I do not believe I have ever known a child to acquire language as quickly as Charlie. He amazes me with his knowledge of words and word use. He is very intelligent. 

Charlie is with me for 25 minutes each day.  Ms. Anderson comes in with him most days, and if she is not here, another aid joins us.  The class has 5 students other than Charlie.

We generally read a book one week where learning and understanding the vocabulary is the big focus. We also do a variety of language arts skills that I introduce each week.

The following week, we usually write about something from the book we read the previous week. This way children get to practice reading, writing, listening and speaking.

He listens well when we are doing a lesson, and mimics what the other children are doing. As you know, he likes to fidget,  but most of the time he is still listening. I will tell him when it is going to be his turn to read or tell about the words to help keep him focused. This also prepares him for speaking.

 

He fits in well with the children and they like him. It is really sweet to see them doing what they can to assist his learning.

I just wanted to give you a short note so that you can understand more about his time with me. He is such a sweet boy. I really enjoy having him in my room.

Let me know if you have any questions for me.

I think the world of you and your family for making a better life for Charlie.

These words were just what I needed.  Not only encouragement for today, but for tomorrow.  He is going to be an AMAZING person.  He already is.  We just have some mountains to climb to reach his full potential.  I know not many people are still reading this blog, and therefore don't know the whole story behind his behaviors and the dark circles under our eyes.  But people are still encouraged, and sometimes inspired, by what we are doing when they see us, or hear about us.  So, I should be content with that.  I shouldn't care that I can't catch up on anything at home or "get my act together" while my kids are at school all day.  I shouldn't compare myself to others, because none of us have it all or do it all.  None of us.  This is a season, and I should celebrate just being able to get food on the table, thank you very much.  And a serious thank you to those of you who are still reading.  The journey is only 4 months past adoption. Far from over.  Cheers!

Fear

There hasn't been quite as much laughter in our house the past week or so, so I wrote some funny things down just to lift my spirits.  I'm sorry I don't know how to put a video clip on here, but y'all Charlie is country!  His accent is cuuuute.  I have no idea where he gets it from! (wink, wink) He calls Sam "Sayum" and Kate is "Kayte."  He is speaking English so well lately that yesterday he was talking in another room and I thought it was Sam. (Except that he says ax for ask, which Sam does not do.)  He says, "Yes or Not?" instead of Yes or No. Last week the kids made a fort complete with a bathroom in the backyard and Charlie pooped in the "toilet" for everyone's entertainment.  He and Sam made a "bending machine" which he played with and obsessed over for several days.  I finally hid it because it was causing family drama.

When we first got him he seemed very sensitive to hot and cold weather, but he has gotten over that. He still loves to be naked (even when it's 68 degrees in our house) and almost always refuses to wear socks, even when he is wearing clothes.  He runs around barefooted outside all the time.  I think most of these things were not allowed in China, so that probably has something to do with it.  I have asked him many times if he wore clothes when he slept in Duodian and he says Yes.

At school, with his Braille teacher, he can earn pennies.  At the end of the week if he has enough pennies, he can buy something from her "store."  He can also have pennies taken away, for things like not cooperating, or saying No to his teacher.  Last week he asked me a yes or no question (don't remember what it was) and I said, No.  He said, "Give me a penny, Mom.  You don't say No."

He says he now likes my car since we cleaned it out, but he has become crazy strict about everybody keeping it clean.  Our little boss man loves to boss.  He just turned 8 and asked me last night when he can be the boss?  When he's 9?  I almost said you can be the boss when you're a grown up, but with all of his trust issues and anxiety lately I said, "Never.  Mommy and Daddy will always be your boss."  For such a bossy kid, you would think he wouldn't like that, right?  But because the reasons behind his bossiness come from insecurity and lack of attachment, survival skills and all that, he was relieved! He said, "Really?  Even when I'm big?" (With a smile on his face.)



We realized last week through some difficult behaviors that Charlie's trust and attachment to us were not where they needed to be, which I wrote about in the last 2 posts.  During the week things were tolerable, but not great.  Then over the weekend Charlie was totally draining us.  Wrecking the house, telling us every 5 minutes or so that he didn't like us, that we're not nice, etc.  Complaining about everything we did, no matter how fun it was. For days we had been throwing out the same line: "I'm sorry you feel that way.  We love you!" And it was getting old.  Sam and Kate were totally sick of it, and Sam told Charlie that he was lucky we even adopted him!  Sweet, patient Sam said that! Ouch.

A text from me to Stephen while I was at work on Sunday.

Yesterday morning I was so happy to send him off to school that I felt guilty about it.  He had a rough day at school too.  But then once home, I carried/held him a lot, over-the-top praised all of his good decisions and kept throwing out lines like, "I'm so proud of my son!"  "It makes my heart so happy when you do that!"  "Look at how sweet you can be!"  And he'd say things like, "Yeah.  Charlie make good choices."  "I do my best."  Last night when we were laying in bed he was talking, talking, talking, and then said, "Mama.  Say: I like my son."  So I did, over and over in several different ways. He laughed and rolled around and seemed happier than he had in DAYS!  Then I said, "Night-Night, precious son!" And he said, "Night, precious Mama."

He really likes to play with play-dough and clay, and made a really good fish at school that his art teacher fired and glazed.  He was very excited to show it to me when he got home, and I was thrilled to put it in a very prominent place in our house-- not only because it is great, but because we have almost nothing of his (pictures, art, crafts) on display yet.  But unfortunately, because of his past, he acted mad, grabbed it and then hid it.  I told him that I was sad, that I wanted to see it everyday and show it to everyone who came to our house. He got a little panicky and said, "NO!  It's mine!  It's not yours!"  This makes me sad for two reasons: one is he is 90% likely to break it, since he breaks almost everything, and two is that he doesn't even understand the concept of showing something off because he is consumed by something else-- not even greed.  Fear.

Attachment: Continued

When I wrote my last post, I was feeling a bit jarred.  Not sure how big of a deal all of this is and a bit hurt and irritated that I was being manipulated by my son.  But after speaking with our post-adoption support counselor, I felt much more enlightened and empowered. She reminded me of many of the things that I already knew, but forgot.  When Charlie acts mean, he is likely just scared.  She said that at his age, she would highly doubt that he is intentionally being manipulative. She reminded me of how his past not only affects his ability to understand family permanence, but it also affects his ability to understand and grasp the fact that we really, actually, truly, wholly, love and accept him. Even though all of this is not easy on me, it is actually harder on him than anyone.  The fact that he was scoping out other families was his natural instinct when things were getting harder at home.  I don't think we necessarily did anything all that wrong, but I am thankful that we had a couple of red flags to bring to our attention that his attachment to us is not where it needs to be. Basically all of this boils down to the fact that as he is peeling layers off and becoming vulnerable, he is scared and feels defensive because he hasn't completely attached to us.  And attachment can take a loooong time.



When I discipline him, he feels very threatened and scared.  When I calmly correct him, he perceives it as me "yelling."  Whether that's because correction is new for him, or the fact that he feels afraid that I don't like him when I say I don't like his behavior, he is feeling judged and anxious.  So, he brings out his defense by telling me I'm 'mean and always yelling.'  My natural instinct (of course) is to defend myself and tell him that I am not mean and tell the other kids to vouch for me and convince him that he hasn't even heard me yell (they have)!  But after being re-enlightened with all of these things earlier this week, when he has said these things to me since then I have said, "I'm sorry you feel like I'm being mean.  I love you so much,  I want you to feel safe.  But we need to work together on your behavior.  I am going to move your clip down, but let's work on improving __________ so we can move your clip back up again in just a minute!"  For the most part, this has worked incredibly well. Several times this week when I have done something nice for him or shown grace he has said, "Why you be so nice to me?"

The other day, Kate asked me if I was going to have any more babies.  I said no, but if we decide we need another baby, we will just go back to China to get one.  Then I picked up Charlie and said, "But now, Charlie is our baby."  He immediately and completely seriously said, "Mom, when Charlie get died you go back to China to get another baby?"  No!  Charlie!  You aren't going to die!  Let's just focus on you being our baby forever for now!  Ack!  We have all been trying to praise him more and tell him how much we love him. Stephen cracks me up, but it's so sweet.  Charlie will say, "Daddy, let's go to the park."  And sweet Stephen will say, "That's a great idea!  I love going to the park with my special son.  I love having fun with you.  We are your family forever and we love you.  Let's go to the park and play!"  It seems so over the top that it is kind of hilarious, but I'm telling you, he is eating it up! Karyn Purvis would be so proud.

He has also been more than happy to be babied a little more, for attachment and bonding. I have been carrying him more again.  (Since I almost never exercise these days, I need some heavy-lifting!) The other day we were in the car coming back from a pumpkin patch and I didn't know how to get home so I had to use Siri on my phone.  He said he didn't want me to use "Risi," because she is so annoying and he hates my car and why I have to use Risi and she is so annoying and ugh Mama is so mean, etc. etc. etc.  Completely expecting a tantrum I said, "Charlie.  Mommy is in charge and in order to get us where we are going and keep everyone safe, I need to use Siri right now."  He took off his shoes and socks and threw them on the floorboard.  I looked back at Sam and said, "Do I need to pull over?  Is he about to tantrum?"  Sam said, "I don't know.  He just put his blanket over his head."  The next thing we know, he is fake snoring in the back, pretending to sleep.  When we got home, I said "Oh, my sweet baby fell asleep in the car.  I guess I have to carry him inside to our home."  He said, "Mama keep you safe." He laughed, and so did I.  Relieved that I'd not only gotten us home, and avoided a tantrum, but he learned a lesson and seemed happy about it!

I explained to Kate how we had some things happen lately that made us realize that Charlie may not understand or accept that we are going to love him forever, no matter what.  I said that we know it's hard for her when he gets so much attention, but this is what's going on and why.  She said she totally understands how he feels and fortunately, has been awesome about it this week.  I have been able to give her a little extra attention too and she and Charlie have played really well.  Even though he still gets on her nerves a lot, they both enjoy relational play a lot more than Sam.  They do ring around the rosie on the trampoline or play dolls or house.  He isn't great at games yet, but probably will be before long.  Charlie will often say, "Fine!" or "Not my problem!"  And when I say that is not a nice thing to say, he'll say, "But Kate say this."  (I don't even need to remind Kate and Sam that he is learning from them.)  Yesterday Kate said, "Charlie, I'm not going to say those things anymore because I realize hearing you say them how rude they sound." Well, alrighty then.  Thanks, Kate!

He still hates my car, and complains about it all the time.  Especially on the weekends (because we aren't in the car that much during the week) he completely obsesses over it.  "Which car we take? Oh, not Mommy's car!  It stinks!  It's so loud!  I no like Mommy's car.  I like Daddy's car.  Let's throw Mama's car in the toilet."  He says these things 20+ times a day, at least!  My car is messy, but it does not stink, it is not loud.  It is a nice car and has a 3rd row, so works much better with 3 kids than Stephen's Camry.  I told Charlie yesterday that I want to work together with him to figure out how he can like my car.  Because he is important to me and will be in our family forever.  I want him to be happy and I want to keep my car a long time.  We talked about cleaning it out, how we can keep it clean and smelling nice, and what things he would like to keep in the car to help him.  That is our plan for this afternoon and he acts like he is looking forward to it.

Our brave little buddy has also shown more vulnerability lately.  He will act scared to go upstairs alone or to the basement when it's dark, etc.  Yesterday he would not go in the creek with Sam because he said "the frogs would get him."  When we say we'll go with him, hold him, and keep him safe, and Sam says, "Hold my hand Charlie.  The frogs are nice!"  He gladly joins us.  The other night I was laying beside him in bed and I said, "Charlie I don't think you brushed your teeth.  I smell your dinner on your breath."  He asked me if the animals would come eat him.  I asked him what he was talking about and he said someone in China told him that if he didn't brush his teeth at night then the night animals would come get him. I said I was pretty sure that was not true, but just in case they did I would "get those animals and say, don't mess with my son!  He is mine and you can't have him!" He asked what I would do to them and I said karate chop them.  He liked that answer and said he wanted to "snuggle before sleep." Snuggle is one of my favorite words.  I'm glad he's learned it.  It is an important part of this process.