Abundant Joy- Six Month Update

I don't want to jinx anything, and I know we are not totally out of the post-adoption craziness, but I just want to celebrate for a minute how far our sweet boy has come.  We met Charlie in July.  If you asked me 6 months ago to describe him, I would've said: crazy, energetic, volatile, emotional, smart. If you asked me 3 months ago, I would've said: controlling, majorly sensory sensitive, energetic, fearful.  If you asked me today, I would say: joyful, inquisitive, loving, happy, and so, so smart.

He still has some fear, but nothing like he did.  He is becoming much more flexible.  He is reading Braille, he is mastering English.  He still gets jealous, but so does Kate and she's been home 6+ years. He is appropriately sad when we leave him and appropriately happy when we return.  He doesn't ask us if we're going to come back, because he now believes that we will.  He knows when he is behaving and he lets everyone else know it too.

Three months ago, I had little hope that much was going to be better in the next year and now, looking back, I cannot believe how far he has come in the past month!  His Orientation & Mobility teacher was a nervous wreck at the beginning of the year due to his crazy energy and volatility, and now she is volunteering to take him out in the community twice a month.  Both sets of grandparents can handle him now, and we can easily find sitters for him (Hallelujah!). He has playdates that I don't even stress over and he is already asking if he can go to day camp this summer.

During basketball season he kept asking us when he could play a sport so we could all cheer for him. We're not there yet, but we did sign him up for swim lessons at the YMCA and he keeps asking us if the "whole family" is going to come cheer for him on his "swim team."  He also wants to run a 5K with Sam this spring, so training will soon begin for that.  If anyone has the energy to be a runner, it's Charlie.

We have a dear friend that is pregnant.  Stephen took the kids to visit with their family last weekend while I was away at a retreat.  (Oh, yes I was.)  I am sure that Charlie has been around pregnant women before, but he was not close enough to them to be aware of it.  Well, sweet and patient Jennifer got an earful of questions, because Charlie said he had never known anyone with a baby inside of them before.  How did it get there?  How will it come out?  How does it eat?  How does it pee?  How does it breave?  Etc, etc.  If you don't like curious kids asking you a million questions, you might want to steer clear from Charlie.

We celebrated Chinese New Year (the year of the monkey, how appropriate!) and found a new Chinese restaurant that we were all very excited about.  We rarely eat out with the whole family these days.  With Charlie's behavior, lack of table manners, etc. it's usually just not worth it.  But this place was not crowded, we did not have to wait long, the food was very good and the workers were very nice.  Charlie said the music they had playing made him feel calm.  His behavior was excellent and he ate a TON!  We will definitely be going back there!

Charlie is still busy, but not in a crazy, out of control way.  He loves his sensory bins (one has rice, one has water beads), he loves a trike that his friend is letting him borrow.  He does laps around our house, and listens to music or gives Sam and Kate a ride.  He is on that thing more than he's off, it seems.  Life with him is a lot more fun than it used to be.  Things are still fairly crazy, but that is partly because we are still just adjusting to having 3 kids!  Charlie is enjoying spending more time with Stephen and last week when he was out of town, he really missed him.

He is excited about Valentine's Day and made his box all by himself.  He loves so big and so well, and this is a day to celebrate love.  We love him and it is absolute joy to watch this happy boy become so real with us.  He is a blessing to all he meets-- except to the strangers that don't enjoy his 20 questions!

Honestly...

Someone I don't know and have never met pm'd me a while back about one of my recent posts saying that I told Charlie that we adopted him because he was smart, handsome and funny.  She said that I shouldn't have said those things, I should have just told him that we adopted him because it was God's plan and we just knew when we saw him that he was our son.  At first I reacted pretty defensively.  Who did she think she was?  She doesn't even know me.  Pretty bold to be calling me out on this.  Plus, even though it was God's plan, we did not "just know."  We were open to several boys, but he stood out to me because he was smart, handsome and funny.  I might be shallow, but I am honest.



But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was partially right.  As important as honesty is to me, and as much as my intentions were in the right place, I need to boost his confidence in God as much (or more) than I do his confidence in himself or in my love.  Granted, his question "Why did you want me when you didn't even know me?" caught me off guard, and I'm not beating myself up too much, but this random lady with her boldness and good intentions did make me think about focusing less on his attributes and more on God's goodness.



BUT, I am not a sugar-coater.  I don't want to just tell my adopted kids that it was just God's plan that they be in our family, because I believe that minimizes their loss.  They were given up by their parents.  Whatever reasons they had, there is no doubt in my mind that it was a hard decision for them.  They probably still think about them all the time.  And I'm sure that Charlie and Kate think about their birth parents more than they let on.  That is a big part of who they are.  So, even though ultimately God has redeemed their story of loss and they now have a forever family, it is not a happily ever after story.  They will be dealing with the loss of their birth parents for the rest of their lives.



When Kate wants to talk about her birth parents we do.  When Charlie wants talks about Duodian we do.  When Kate is frustrated when people don't believe she is Chinese, she tells us.  When Charlie feels "nerbous," he tell us.  I am grateful for the openness and honesty that I have with my kids.  I keep it real with them, and they keep it real with me.  We apologize to each other daily.  We are honest with each other about everything, sometimes to a fault.  But because we are so open about everything, I think it makes it easier for them to tell me the big stuff and the little stuff that bothers them.  Especially with Kate and Charlie, that's a big deal.



For a short while several months ago, I was feeling so accomplished.  Charlie was sleeping in his own bed, in his own room and went to sleep with little more than Melatonin.  Then when we realized we had some big attachment issues, we let him go to sleep in our bed and then moved him to his room when we went to bed.  Through a deeper attachment, we found out that he had a lot more fear than he had been admitting.  For the past month or so, he has been sleeping on our floor.  The other night he asked me to hold him tight while he went to sleep because it helps him feel safe.  He said he often "feels 'fraid" at bedtime.  I personally feel like the openness and honesty that we have in our home makes it easier to admit stuff like that.  Things are often messy.  I yell.  Our kids fight a LOT.  Our house is always a wreck.  But we are real.



Kate told me this weekend that it really bothers her that Charlie has been sleeping in our room.  It feels very unfair to her.  So, at dinner last night, I told her to talk to him about it.  She said she didn't like it that he got to sleep in our room and she didn't.  So we asked him to explain why he felt like he needed to sleep in our room.  He said he feels safe and likes our fan and humidifier.  Sam said he could keep Charlie safe in their room too, and they all three ran upstairs together with a plan.  They made Charlie a pallet on the floor, surrounded by pillows (including one of mine because "it smell like Mama") and in between our fan and humidifier.  The floor was soaking wet from transporting the water-filled humidifier across the room, but everyone was happy.  And Charlie slept great.

So, usually this openness and honesty with each other pays off.  But if any random person wants to call me out on it, I'll listen.