Over and Out

Well, we brought Charlie home.  We not only survived the first year, we learned and grew a ton. We knew this kid was cute and funny before we ever met him.  Now we know he is super smart and has a heart of gold.  I thoroughly enjoyed blogging about our journey, and I hope you enjoyed reading as well.  We have been home almost 14 months now, so I don't plan to continue to blog on this page. However, I have learned that I enjoy writing and often learn about myself through this form of self reflection.  I am thinking of continuing to blog in a different arena, just haven't figured all of the details out yet.  I think if I officially close this one out, it will help me mentally regroup and focus on what direction my next blog will take.  Thank you all for reading!  Thank you for your comments, support, and thoughts & prayers along this journey.

Adoption is incredible.  It is hard, it is challenging, it is so worth it.  I will stop whatever I am doing, any day of the week to talk to you if you are interested in, or opening up to the idea of adoption. There are so many other "Zhi Zhi's" (Charlies) and "Mao Mao's" (Kates) out there that need a home and a family more than they need anything else in the world.

     

I am really glad that I had this blog to journal and document the most memorable moments and stand-out lessons that we had with Charlie.  But for the last couple of months, I have started to feel like it is time to spread the love.  I plan to continue to write about (in some way) the funny stories and entertaining adventures of our family-- it will just be spread out over all the kids a little more evenly. As amazing as Charlie is, Kate and Sam are pretty awesome too.  We will continue to make memories, face challenges, and learn to love in new and stretching ways. Stay tuned!

Bethel Reunion

As many of you know, Charlie was at Bethel China for about 5 years of his life.  He was with his birth family for one year, in an orphanage for about a year and a half, and they sent him to Bethel (which is a home for blind and visually impaired orphans) when he was almost 3.  Bethel was started by a French couple close to 12 years ago.  They no longer live in China, but their legacy does.  This place has made such a difference for so many kids.  Blindness is sometimes not accepted here.  In China, it is considered a curse. These kids are the definition of marginalized in their own country.

Now it is the home to about 50 kids.  All receiving care and attention.  It is not ideal; a family is ideal, but the Bethel staff works hard to treat these kids with dignity, to give them life skills (they often come to Bethel unable to even walk because the orphanage leaves them in their cribs so long) and advocating for them for adoption.  They depend on sponsorships, and for $35 a month, you can meet a child's everyday needs.  Kids just like our kids are living there.  You could make such a difference in their life.  Let us know if you'd like to be a sponsor!

Last month, our friend Tabitha organized a reunion for Bethel Families in Nashville, Tennessee.  Kids have been adopted to many parts of the world, but the majority live in the US.  There were about 25 Bethel kids there with their families.  It was an amazing opportunity to get together.  Anna who is from Spain, but lives at Bethel Doudian where Charlie was, flew all the way from China.  Tabitha works for Bethel and used to live there but now lives in Canada.  She organized the whole thing and said it was one of the best days of her life.  Several people that had volunteered at Bethel came, one all the way from Costa Rica!

It was a lot of fun for the grown-ups-- parents and volunteers-- and seemed fun for the teenagers. Several of them have been adopted in the past couple of years and were speaking Chinese to each other.   A lot of the younger kids weren't sure what to think. Charlie said for months that he didn't want to go.  His counselor told us that he was worried we were going to give him back once we got there.  So we focused a lot beforehand on talking about what we would do after the reunion.  School started the Monday after, so we talked a lot about that.  He did not object to going after that, but he never could relax.

He was holding onto me most of the reunion. He wouldn't talk to people unless we forced him to. He hardly smiled for the first 2 hours.  We wanted him to enjoy seeing his friends, but it seemed like he could care less.  Not being able to see them, not speaking Chinese anymore and not knowing their new names seemed to make it hard to recognize each other.  One of the families brought a baby pig. For some reason this made him an absolute nervous wreck.  He didn't want to be anywhere near that pig, whose name was Angel.  He kept saying, "I smell pig.  What she's doing?"  She was an angel and so cute, but he could not deal, so the family was sweet enough to put her in her carrier and he was able to relax a little more.

One of the volunteers told me that it was hard that the kids didn't seem to remember her. Most of them were so young that they may not have remembered, but they were also so conflicted I'm sure. Even though the volunteers were so kind to them, for most of them their time at Bethel was a dark time.  Better than the orphanage no doubt, but even at Bethel they did not get the love and affection of a family. And they watched other kids get adopted time and again, which can break a child's heart when they have been waiting for years.  I don't think they view it as somewhere they would want to go back, and some of them feared that they would.

After the reunion Charlie started talking and didn't stop.  He suddenly became friendly with Anna and Tabitha who were staying with us, he was happy and finally being himself again.  When I asked him how it made him feel to see his friends he said, "sad." When I asked why he thought he was sad he said, "I don't know them anymore.  And now I don't know who is still at Doudian with Teacher Fang."  Then after a pause he said, "But I am happy with my family, so I'm not that sad really."

What a crazy ride for him!  So many emotions!  From fear and anxiety, to sadness and grief, and back around to thankfulness for a family and safety.  Keeping connections with our kids' pasts can be hard and confusing for them.  I never thought we wouldn't go to the reunion, but I did feel a little bad for him.  But coming out together on the other side, more secure and more attached than we were the week before, made me know that it was worth the heartache.  The physical act of leaving the picnic together and continuing the day as a family was literally like a salve to his little heart.  His demeanor changed almost immediately.

We stayed at a house through Airbnb.  On our way home I asked Charlie what his favorite part about the weekend was and he said, "Being at that house with my family."  I hope that we can have another reunion again one day.  And I suspect next time he will be able to enjoy it more. Since we proved that he really doesn't need to worry that we will ever give him back. That's just crazy talk.

School Days

Our school started back last week on August 1st.  I know that is crazy early to go back to school, but I am glad for it.  It is too hot to play outside, too hot to even go to the pool! Charlie thrives on routine and he was totally fine about going back to school.  It is absolutely amazing how much progress he is making with his behavior and his academics. We have been very, very encouraged by how well he is doing on his new ADHD medication and I have been very optimistic that this is going to be a great year for him.



There are plenty of people that choose not to medicate children for ADHD, but we are so thankful that we have found a tool to help him.  He is so much happier and balanced.  He asks me for his pill every morning.  The other day I was at work and Stephen said in the middle of the day he was thinking about how off and angry Charlie had been all day, then he remembered he had forgotten to give him his medicine that morning!  We know it helps him and he is able to be himself when he is on it.  For a long time I was worried that it would take away his funny, energetic personality.  He still has plenty of personality and energy (and still talks a TON) but he also is able to focus, not get so easily frustrated, and he says his brain just "feels better" on it.

It makes me happy that we've found such a vital tool to help him succeed, but it makes me sad that he didn't have it for so long and spent a lot of his life getting into trouble.  I think about all the kids in Chinese orphanages with ADHD with no diagnosis, no hope for medication, constantly being scolded, punished and shamed for being the way they are-- and that makes me incredibly sad.

I have had little feedback from his para-pro and teachers this year.  This has been a HUGE change from last year and is a little hard for me.  But every time I ask anyone how he is doing, their responses are so positive and encouraging that I realize we are past the crazy.  He is now (for the most part) just a slightly-behind-academically-blind kid.  He still has some trust issues at home, and occasionally has some behavioral issues with us, but he is no longer the ticking bomb who didn't speak English or understand or care about classroom expectations that he was last year.  I actually don't have to worry about him for those 7 hours that he is at school.  And that is quite amazing.



He is in 2nd Grade and doing most of the same work as the kids in the class.  He knows the sight words that the class is learning (in Braille), he is doing most of the same math, and from what they're telling me he is catching right up.  He is changing so fast these days that I want to write down every little thing he does and says because I'm almost afraid (!) of him becoming just a normal boy.  I never correct his English because I love the way he talks so much!



He has told me that he is having some trouble making friends this year, but it sounds like this week is better than last week.  Last year his class was established when he came in and everyone knew all about him coming.  This year, he just started with everyone else, so he didn't seem quite so much like the exotic guest.  Kids that can't see often have a very hard time making friends.  They lack the confidence to ask people who they are and most kids don't naturally announce their names when they approach.  They miss out on body language and social cues that most of us take for granted.  They often have a hard time remembering people's names because they have to remember their voice or smell as opposed to their face.  But Charlie is very social, funny and charming, so once the kids get used to him, he is sure to be quite loved by his classmates.  Who wouldn't love this face?

Home 1 Year!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have turned a corner!  The beginning of summer was HARD. Charlie thrives on routine, and that is close to impossible to keep up in the summertime. Having Stephen home should have made it easier, but there were days when it seemed to make it more difficult. They have been going to Play Therapy and working on their relationship, but there is still a lot of tension and anxiety between them.  Even a couple of weeks ago, Charlie was still having major fits (not that often but still having them) and not sleeping well still.



There is a little rhyme that Charlie says all the time, I guess he learned it in China, or on YouTube:
"Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa?
Eating sugar?
No, Papa.
Telling lies?
No, Papa.
Open your mouth.
Ha, ha, ha!"
At some point in the past couple of months, he and Stephen have started calling each other Big Johnny and Little Johnny.  So add that to the list of things Charlie calls his dad. Stephen, Babi, Papa, Johnny, Stephen Seabolt, Dad, and occasionally Daddy.

Stephen is a fabulous dad, but Charlie comes with a story and a past that does not just disappear with a few months of having a loving home.  What we've learned through counseling is that we are doing most things right, but healing from past wounds takes a long, stinking time.  And we have learned that for us, we are ok with medicating him if it helps him to be healthy and regulated.

About a week ago we tweaked his ADHD meds again, and oh my goodness, what a difference it has made!  As Stephen said, it's like a switch was flipped and he went from angry, anxious Charlie to happy, nervous Charlie.  He is still full of energy and talks all.the.time.  But he's happy and mostly cooperative.  He has been the best behaved child in the family for several days now.  This is a first! He says his brain feels better on this med, even though he still is "nerbous a lot."

Charlie went to two 2 week camps with Kate at the Center for the Visually Impaired.  They were both ALL day camps and I was worried about how he would handle that, and if he would behave.  The first one was Braille Camp and the second was Blind Camp.  He had a few bumps in the road at Braille Camp because they were making him work and that my friends is something he does not like to do, but overall he did well and learned a lot.  It was fun to get to spend time with his friend Gabe from Bethel.  He had a blast at Blind Camp, made some friends, and got to try out all kinds of new things.





Over the past few weeks we have reminisced a lot about our trip to China a year ago and our first few days and weeks home.  To be honest it has been a long year.  Even the trip seems like a long time ago. But it's fun to watch the videos and hear Charlie speaking Chinese and little 2 word English phrases. He has grown about 4 inches taller, but is still just as skinny as he was the day we met him.  He eats good, healthy breakfasts and dinner, but his meds decrease his appetite at lunch.  And he never stops burning calories all day long.

He is totally fine in the car now, as long as no one sits in HIS seat.  He even lets us listen to the radio most of the time.  He is sleeping at night now, thanks to Clonodine.  He still doesn't like to be alone and is terrified of thunder ("unther").  He still likes to try new things, but he asks about 200 questions beforehand.  He is not nearly as jealous as he was. He was totally fine about Kate's birthday and party and even excited for her.  He has been to his first movie, which was Finding Dory.  He used the audio description and seemed to follow the story just fine.  He loves to watch YouTube videos about Finding Dory, so he already knew all of the characters, which probably helped.



He is not nearly as obsessed with vending machines, but still enjoys getting to go for a special treat. His new fascination is party lights.  He and Sam and Kate pooled their money together and ordered party lights for the all new "party room" in our basement.  He can't see much, but he can see lights and color.  He loves to crank up his reggae music and rearrange all of the lights for the ultimate party experience.  Today we are going to Six Flags to celebrate Kate's Gotcha Day and Charlie said can we not stay too long so he can come back home and play with the party lights.  What???



He still loves shopping, especially at the grocery, Target or Costco.  He loves crafts and making things.  Lately we have put our foot down about doing things with Daddy.  Like making playdough, going to the grocery store, painting.  Things we know he likes to do, but in the past has refused to do with Stephen.  We have started presenting it differently. We don't ask if he wants to do it.  We just say that is what he is doing.  And shockingly he almost never argues.  He used to pitch a fit or throw a tantrum.  I don't know how much of it is that he is learning to trust us or how much of it is our presentation of it, but the most important part is that it is working.  We have learned that even though kids from hard places are often bossy control freaks, deep down they really long for an adult to be in charge.  It just takes them a while to trust them enough to let them do it.

Stephen is starting his new job next week, which is in an office.  (He's been working from home for the past 2.5 years.)  It will be an adjustment for us, but I am grateful that the kids have had such quality time with him this summer. As slow as the progress has been, I do think Stephen being home so much did help with the attachment process.

 

About a month ago, I was getting onto him about never smiling for the camera.  I  told him he needed to come up with a trick for himself to help him make better pictures.  He is such a handsome boy and has such a nice smile.  The trick he came up with is neighing. Instead of saying "Cheese" (because he hates cheese), he neighs like a horse every time we tell him to smile for a picture.  It is working wonderfully.

A few weeks ago, on July 6th, we celebrated Charlie's "Gotcha Day"-- the day we got him. We told him it was his special day and we could do anything he chose.  He wanted to go to The Dollar Tree to shop, Waffle House for dinner, and Cold Stone for dessert.  While at WH, he got to choose a song off the juke box.  He chose "Proud to Be an American" by Lee Greenwood, and those sitting around us got to enjoy him singing along.

The Power of Play

We have learned so much in the past 11 months since we met Charlie.  He has stretched us and broken us.  As fun and entertaining as he is, he is just as challenging and tiring. We have read book after book, attended seminars, participated in classes, and talked with people who have traveled this road before us.  We have recently started counseling and play therapy, and besides the lesson that underlies everything (broken kids are wired differently), the lesson that keeps showing up is this: playfulness and a sense of humor is an absolute must with these kids.

Charlie is intense.  His highs are high but when his (already anxious) brain gets mad, he takes a ride on the crazy train.  He gets this intense look and every muscle in his body goes tight.  But he is also an 8 year old boy with a great sense of humor.  We have seen time and time again how silliness and playfulness can often redirect him to an "exit ramp" off of the crazy train.  Sometimes it works so quickly that he forgets why he was so upset and who it was that he was ready to punch. (Or bite.) It doesn't work every time, and it is not super natural for us, but we have learned to use it often when we need to.  And what a powerful tool it is.  Stephen has become very good at it.

One day a few months ago, Stephen took Charlie to the grocery store with him.  He loves going to the grocery store, but was mad at Stephen for some reason or another and refused to get out of the car. Stephen could have forced him out, kicking and screaming, he could have said, "fine then, you win. we'll go back home."  Instead he remembered something he'd read about redirecting a stressed out child with play and he said, "Look, Charlie!  Here's that pink elephant we were talking about! (Enter imaginary pink elephant.) Here he is!  Oh wow!  Do you think he wants to go shopping with us?  We can show him around the grocery store?!"  Immediately, Charlie flipped a switch and was eager and enthusiastic to show this pink elephant around his favorite place, the grocery store.

If Charlie is not being obedient about going upstairs for bed, or brushing his teeth, or putting on his shoes, clothes, etc. instead of nagging, begging, threatening, etc. we will either say, "Ok Charlie, let's race the timer.  See if you can do it faster than you did last time."  Or we will race him ourselves by running up the stairs or putting on our own shoes, etc.  He finds this fun and irresistible.

Sure, we could punish him for not being obedient immediately.  We could attempt to gain respect and authority by physically showing him who the boss is.  But I have my doubts that it would be effective with a kid like him.  First we teach him how to be a member of a family, then we praise him for getting it right every now and then.  And letting him get attacked by the tickle monster as "punishment" for not getting out of bed when he is supposed to is a lot more fun (and possibly more effective) than forcing him out or screaming at him.

This is not a blog post for how to parent your typical kid.  It is a revelation of what we have seen work with a kid that, when he feels threatened, either completely shuts down or becomes violent. Play is powerful in this house.  Not only does it work to redirect, it takes less energy than fighting or punishing, and it seems to be helping with Charlie's budding sense of humor.  He has always been funny in a cute, entertaining way, but lately he is really blossoming in wit and humor.  We are enjoying that part.

"When will he stop being 'traumatized'?"

People are always amazed at what Charlie can do with his limited vision.  And it is pretty amazing. So much of his fearless/try-anything attitude is just how God made him.  He is a brave and thrill-seeking little boy.  He loves roller coasters, water slides, riding a bike, flying downhill on a big wheel, etc.  But that doesn't mean he doesn't have fear.  He has a lot.  Because of his past, he fears what most kids never even think about-- that he is unloved, that we may not be his forever, that he can't trust anyone.  And all of this fear adds up to a lot of anxiety.







His anxiety makes him want to control everything.  And when he can't control a situation, he will talk about it so much and argue about it so much, that Stephen and I just want to go jump in a lake.  He also still refuses to be alone.  Ever.  He will not bathe alone, go outside alone, go upstairs alone, go downstairs alone, sleep alone, or play alone.  He will use the bathroom alone, but usually leaves the door wide open.





Recently Kate asked me, "When is Charlie going to stop being 'traumatized'?"  With her fingers up in quotation marks.  Of course this sounds funny coming from a 9 year old sister who also has some issues, but the answer is kind of sobering... maybe never.  We are clearly working on building trust, minimizing fear and giving him a sense of security, but kids from hard places can take years and years to recover from the trauma of their past.  They may appear "normal" on the outside, but secretly hide food out of fear of going hungry.  Or refuse to give a toy to a friend out of fear they may never see it again.  Or ask their parents 247 times where they're going and what they're doing that day because they're not sure they're telling the truth.



Because his brain didn't develop in a secure environment of love and nurture, where his cries often weren't answered and he had to fend for himself for many hours in a day, his brain didn't develop emotionally healthy.  Sometimes when he is acting like a 3 year old, I have to remind myself of this. It is wild though, because he is so smart, sometimes it feels like he is older than he actually is.  So, all in all I'd say he is emotionally like a 3 year old, physically like a 6 year old, cognitively like a 9 year old and actually he is 8 years old.  So put all of that together, and he's a little tough to parent.





He and Stephen have been seeing an Attachment Therapist for about a month now.  They go about once a week for play therapy, which is giving us some insight and tools to help him open up and be more accepting of Daddy.  He doesn't really like to go, and had a total meltdown when it was time to go see her the other day, but I think it is helping all of us, at least a little.  I told him he doesn't have to play, he doesn't have to talk, but he has to go. Forcing him in the car kicking and screaming to go to a counselor and talk about his feelings feels slightly like abuse, but he has been home long enough now that there are just some things he is going to have to do because we say so, whether he likes it or not. If he has a nice attitude Daddy rewards him with a "hodge fun sundae," but he doesn't always...






Since my last post, we have had some fun firsts.  He had his first Mother's Day with a mom, he finished First Grade, had his first camping (glamping) experience, watched a movie (!), rode a real train, and caught his first fish.  He continues to amaze, entertain and exhaust us. His English is incredible and people tell me he's losing his Chinese accent, but he definitely has a Southern one!  In a few weeks we will celebrate one year as a family.