Family Pictures

Say What?

I wish I had the time and know-how to make a short video clip of Charlie's language these days.  It is so adorable.  He knows so much and then will mistake one word for another, and remind us that he still has a lot to learn.  He often calls an elevator an alligator.  The other day he asked me if a pumpkin was called a pineapple.  He loves to say, "Say what?" when he didn't understand you.  Last night he had a chicken leg for dinner and said, "Mom!  You fed me dog bones?!"  That time I think he was trying to be funny, and it worked because we all cracked up.  Whenever he gets cold he wants me to hold him, because apparently I am warm.  He'll hold onto me like a monkey and shout, "Mama's so HOT!"  Which Sam thinks is completely hilarious.



He still loves the supermarket.  He told me last week he wants to go to college at Georgia Tech to learn how to build supermarkets.  He likes to pick out something new to try every time we go.  He always surprises me with what he likes and doesn't like.  He ate an entire orange bell pepper the other day.



People ask daily how things are going for us, and him.  Obviously, different people get different answers from me, depending on how well I know them, and how much they know about our story. But it is hard to give an accurate answer in just a few minutes.  There are so many elements and layers to where we are and how things are going.  Last week when Stephen told Charlie we'd been home for 2 months, Charlie asked him if it was time for him to go back to China.  Say what?  I know to most people this sounds so sad and crazy that he would actually think that, but I think he can't quite wrap his head around what a forever family is.  He's never seen one to know what it looks like.  To fully understand the fact that he will be with us forever.  That we will not ever send him back.  We are working on helping him understand that and earning his trust and love.

This past week was Fall Break for our county, so all of the kids were home all week.  This was hard on me in some ways, because Charlie is so busy-- all day long, but the kids actually got along pretty well. Kate was awesome and did such a good job playing with Charlie.  She told me today that she is "glad we got him."  I asked her to repeat herself to make sure I understood her right. What did you say, sweetie?  "I'm glad that we adopted Charlie."
That my friends, is great progress.

Being home more and Charlie being left to entertain himself at times meant more wear and tear on our house and pets.  He was caught writing with pen on the computer monitor, hammer marks were found on the playroom wall, he was guilty of brushing the cat's teeth with his toothbrush, and he destroyed a light switch cover with a hammer.  He also (thanks to bribery) was able to go a week without having a tantrum.

There was a talking minion that he wanted for his birthday.  I made the mistake of buying it early and he found out it was in the house and went c.r.a.z.y.  I finally told him if he went a week without a tantrum, I would give him the minion.  There were days when I didn't think it was going to happen, but we would practice deep breathing and I would remind him how many days he had left before he could get the minion. I heard him telling himself several times this week, "Deep breff.  Deeeeep breff."  Sometimes, if he's not too far gone mentally, we can distract him by asking him a random question and it helps derail him.  This works a lot in the car.

 

I have also started giving him marshmallows as reward/incentive in the car.  Whenever he doesn't complain about the blinker or goes a good 10-15 mins without whining about the windshield wipers, etc, he'll say: "Charlie no 'plaining, Mom.  Marshmallow, please?"  I know that many people think I'm crazy, others think I'm ruining/spoiling him, and many people think this kid has major issues.  But I know that he is trying.  I know the car makes him nervous, the blinker and the windshield wipers drive him crazy, and I think he deserves a marshmallow. Some people in our family don't play this way, and are sick of the games and control, but for a while longer, I am willing to do it this way.  It gives him some control when he has so little, and keeps relative peace.  I am convinced that he does not have autism and many if not most of these sensory issues and control games will subside as he gains confidence and attachment.

What the marshmallows and the minion have taught me is that he IS capable of not complaining and not tantruming.  While talking him down and diverting a tantrum is still a lot of work and stressful, it is giving him a lot of confidence when he sees that he doesn't have to act that way.  He can learn self control and he will.  It isn't easy, but he now can see that it is possible.

We went to my parents' house last week and Charlie had a great time.  We went to the church where my dad is the pastor and Charlie went to a Pre-K class because they had toys.  He is still not ready to sit and listen to much of a lesson and new, crowded environments make him anxious, so my mom stayed with him.  Then at their house, Charlie learned to drive the gator!  Once he learned the route around their driveway, he was able to use his memory and the sounds of the gravel to drive independently.  He LOVED it!  He also liked feeding the ducks, hanging out with their dog, Jack, and swimming in the hot tub.









Later in the week, we went up to Elijay for apples and a petting zoo.  He picked up about 20 different goats and carried them around.  He got to feed a baby calf and hold kittens.  He was terrified of the baby chicks.  At one point Sam was holding some food cupped in his hands and Charlie thought it was a baby chick and went ballistic.  It was kind of sad, but kind of funny.  The lady that oversees the animals loved Charlie and kept giving him more food to feed them.  She even let him help her bathe one of the goats.  She said he acted like he had been attacked by a chicken before, but he never would tell us when we asked.  He is scared of almost nothing, so it was surprising to see him react that way.

We also went for a cataract surgery consult at Emory, but they said his lens and cornea are adhered so surgery would be extremely risky and could result in complete loss of the sight that he does have.

Charlie kept asking to go swimming last week, but obviously the neighborhood pool is now closed.  Then I remembered the indoor Aquatic Center and I took the kids there on Friday.  Other than it being a little cold, and Charlie not being a strong enough swimmer to do the big slide, it was a lot of fun for him.  The lifeguards there are pretty strict and they kept staring at him and I kept expecting them to get onto him about something.  Then one of them said, "Ma'am, can he see?"  I was feeling a little defensive and said, "Not really.  Why?  Can he not swim if he can't see?"  The poor guy said, "No, its not that.  I could just tell he can't really see, and I was impressed at how well he gets around and how confident he is."  Whoops.  "Oh, yeah.  Thank you."

We do get A LOT of stares, pretty much everywhere we go.  Especially if he has his cane.  Can I just put a PSA out there? Friendly curiosity doesn't bother me at all, I am happy to help educate and enlighten people on having visually impaired children.  But please, people-- close your mouth, and encourage your children to do the same.  It seems much less obnoxious that way.

 

This weekend we went to Touch A Truck, and Charlie had a BLAST.  No truck was left untouched!  He loved pretty much every vehicle.  The workers there were very sweet and patient with him when he asked hundreds of questions. 

We also used a babysitter for the first time since bringing Charlie home and Stephen and I went out to eat.  She left before bedtime, but Charlie was very excited about the whole thing and called her "Baby Scissor" the entire time.

Then yesterday, while I was at work, Stephen took the kids to China Care at Georgia Tech where they celebrated the Chinese Autumn Moon Festival.  Everyone enjoyed making lanterns and making (and eating) moon cakes.

Grace Changes Everything

Charlie is a 7 year old equivalent of an Energizer bunny. He goes, and goes, and goes all day long. And then at night, at bedtime, at least half of the nights, he is an angel.  He'll say, "No books, Mama. Just talk.  Lay down.  Right here.  Let's talk."  What do you want to talk about?  "You go first."  So I'll ask him questions.  He'll just smile, staring up at the bottom of the top bunk, or sometimes turn toward me and answer all of my questions. One thing about most blind and visually impaired kids, is they don't really have personal space issues.  They like to be close.  So close, most people might feel uncomfortable.  They can feel you and smell you and sometimes even see you, without physically touching.  I have heard people say that they have had a hard time bonding with their visually impaired kids or blind kids because of the lack of eye contact.  But this is our contact, and it is a sweet and special one.  We touch foreheads or cheeks, we don't need good eyes for connection.



I know with little kids people often say that the days are long, but the years are short.  As I mentioned in a recent post, it is hard to believe we have only had Charlie 2 months.  He has only been in school 2 weeks.  This seems so crazy to me.  These weeks and months have seemed so long in so many ways.  But I was convicted this week about wishing they would speed up.  About getting this hard part behind us.  I have spent a lot of time wondering what things will look like in 6 months.  When will we ever get to go to the beach again?  When will Stephen and I get to go out on regular dates again?  But, this is what I always do.  I always wish away the present.  When we were waiting, I just couldn't wait to bring him home.  Now that he is here, I can't wait for things to get back to "normal."  Whatever that means.



God has called me to be the mama of these children.  To love them, teach them, be there for them, for such a time as this.  Adjusting to 3 kids has been hard on us in many ways. Leaving his life and starting over has been hard for Charlie.  But we know from experience that God uses these times, these difficulties, to strengthen us and refine us.  I am thankful that I have this blog to make me think about these things. To be intentional in thinking about where we are right now.  What God is doing and how He is using this time to shape us.  I know I for one have learned about patience, forgiveness and grace.  Sam has learned about compassion.  Kate and Charlie have learned about unconditional love. Stephen has learned when Mama needs a break.  Lol!

The first full week that Charlie was in school was a tough one at home.  He was not himself and had a tantrum nearly every afternoon, or at bedtime.  They were short, but it was still exhausting.  When I was at work last weekend and Stephen was in the shower, according to Sam, Charlie ate 5 ice cream sandwiches. When this was reported by Sam to the family at dinner, Charlie immediately denied it and started lying.  My first instinct was to punish him or something dumb like that, but he had already done that for himself. Now we were all out of ice cream sandwiches.  When we found the empty wrappers in the bathroom trash can we knew Sam was telling the truth.  I calmly told Charlie that he wasn't in trouble, but unfortunately now we didn't have any more ice cream sandwiches.  He melted and looked like he might cry.  (I'm not sure if that was out of relief because he didn't get punished, or because we had no more ice cream sandwiches.)

The next day he was upstairs drying his hair with my new hair dryer.  Stephen said, "What is he doing up there?  Something sounds weird."  I said, "Oh that's my new fancy hair dryer.  I got it at Sally's.  It's professional, so I guess it sounds different."  And then, after a few minutes, I thought maybe I ought to go check.  As I went up the stairs I smelled something burning, and when I got to my room Charlie was using the hairdryer to vacuum the carpet again, like he did in Zhengzhou when we thought it was cute.  But now with a new "professional strength hairdryer" he left permanent damage in the carpet. When I said, "No, no, no, no, NO Charlie!"  He said, "Mama, No!  No yelling!"  I am pretty sure he did not realize what he had done.  When I took a deep breath I realized this was more than likely just an accident and tried to chill out (and thank my lucky stars this didn't happen at The Hilton in Zhengzhou).  I put his hands on the burn marks and told him that he hurt the carpet, could he say Sorry?  He said, No the hairdryer hurt the carpet.  Not him.  I said Even though it was an accident it would be nice to say Sorry.  He said No.  That night, in his bare feet he walked over the burns and remembered what he had done.  He wrapped his arms around me and said, "I so sorry, Mama.  Poor carpet."



These are just two examples of when grace won his heart. Neither time was he being malicious.  The ice cream sandwiches was probably partly "I love ice cream sandwiches and no one is here to stop me from eating 5 of them!" and partly trying to entertain/show off for Sam.  The hairdryer, I truly think was an accident.  I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that a boy like Charlie, who has so much energy, is pretty mischievous, just a little bit naughty, and grew up in institutionalized care, has probably spent a large part of his life in trouble.  When he thinks he is about to get in trouble, he tenses up and you can see the anger building.  Then when we show grace, sometimes it takes a while, but that tension melts away and he relaxes.  And usually gives us a hug.  We have only had one tantrum this week.  This is transforming stuff-- for him, his heart, and our relationship-- and it's actually easier than discipline!

Before we adopted him, we got a "diary" from Bethel, written by the nannies.  It had a lot of facts, like things he did, and people he roomed with and stuff like that, but it also talked about how much he didn't like school, didn't like Braille, how he was never motivated in his studies, he had a temper and was often naughty.  As much as Bethel gave him and loved him, it seems like his new environment is better suited for him.  He really likes school now, LOVES Braille, and 4 different teachers have commented to me how motivated he is.  Kids need families, y'all.  They need grace almost as much as they need love.

Rock Star

It is hard to be on your best behavior all the time.  Charlie has been doing a really good job at school lately, which means he is usually all done being sweet and agreeable once he is home.  I know his days are long, and we are trying to be patient with him.  He has made such great progress at school in just 2 weeks, so I am hoping that it won't be long before he is back to himself at home too.  He is now able to stay engaged for the whole school day, they tell me he is very motivated, and loves Braille! He is still enjoying the school lunches and will now drink any kind of milk... even white!  Today, he came home proudly wearing the "Rock Star" badge for great behavior and participation in PE.  He is social and funny at school and has several friends he talks about.  And he LOVES the bus!  He told me we need to throw my car in the toilet and go to the Bus Store to buy a bus for me to drive.



His English has changed and improved in the last 2 weeks too.  His new favorite additive is 'pretty.' Pretty cool.  Pretty cute.  Pretty fun.  He also says Yes Sir and No Sir to himself all the time.  Today he told me that something was "dangerous."  There is still a lot of vocabulary that is lost on him, but he knows enough now to stop you when he doesn't know a word to ask you what it means.

We got a new fish and he named it Bob Marley.



He is still very controlling and is obsessive about my car keys, what car we drive, who drives, what we listen to in the car, windows, air, etc, etc.  We are all ready for him to chill out in that department. Sam is usually more patient with him than the rest of us, but he got so tired of not listening to music in the car that he said it was worth dealing with the tantrums. Charlie says my car is too loud.  I said, "You love the bus, and it's much louder than my car."  He said the bus is too fun for him to notice if it is loud or not.  Sam said he doesn't even mind the blinker on the bus!  His driver doesn't know how lucky she is!

He is eating so much better now.  He had salmon tonight, and went back for more 3 times! Most days he has a hard boiled egg and banana for breakfast (sometimes with yogurt), American school lunch, and then whatever we eat at night for dinner.  He is still a little picky, but not much worse than Kate. I am very relieved that I no longer have to be his short-order cook.  Especially now that I'm actually cooking for everyone else again.

A few nights a week after dinner, Charlie and Stephen have been going to the park, or bike riding. This allows him to use up that last bit of energy before bedtime (have I mentioned his endless energy?) and allows Sam and Kate to have some peace and quiet to read or finish homework. Tonight before he left he asked me if he could take my phone. I said No, but he could play with it when he got back before bed.  When he returned he immediately asked me for it.  I asked him what he wanted to do with it, and he said, "Talk to it."  He then summoned Siri and had a 10 minute convo.  He asked her her name.  If she had a baby sister.  What she had for dinner.  When he asked her if she had a cat, she said "Here is the contact info I have for Cat Martin..."  That's my old hairdresser!  Cat, if you get a call from Charlie, just pretend you're Siri.

I tell you what, with this kid there is never a dull moment around here!

Two Months a Seabolt

Two months.  That's how long Charlie has been ours.  The last couple of days have been pretty hard and exhausting and I have thought, "Goodness gracious, how long will he act like this?" And then I remember, we've only had him TWO months.  Kate, exasperated the other day said, "Ugh!  MOM! How long will he be 'traumatized'!?!?" (And used her little air quotes.)  For us, and especially for our kids, it has seemed like a long time that we have had him.  Our time in China seems like an eternity ago.  And when I think about how he acted then, we really have come a long way in a relatively short amount of time.  Two months is not that long, even though it feels like it.  I do remind myself of that often, but we all tend to forget.  One thing that has definitely improved is his hair!

His first 2 days of school went pretty well.  The second day was better than the first.  He is getting used to the routine and schedule.  They said at most of the activities he was fine until about 10 minutes before it should be over and he was already ready to move on, but that should improve this week.  On Thursday he was ready to go home by 12:00, and on Friday he lasted until 1:30 or so.  He learned to write Charlie, Sam, and Kate on the Braille writer.  He sang along with the class songs and participated when he was able to.  He ate a good lunch, which he bought from the cafeteria, and discovered that he likes strawberry milk.  After the first day, his teacher said he was probably really worn out and would be tired when he got home, but she doesn't really know him that well yet.  He does not get tired.  Ever.

Friday night we went to one of our favorite Chinese Restaurants and Charlie had a whole plate of dumplings.  Other than that (or because of that), he didn't eat that much else.  I know he is still deciding and figuring out what he likes, and is picky for many reasons, but I think it is so funny what he does like.  His favorite foods right now, other than dumplings, are hamburgers, chicken nuggets, pizza, hot dogs and tacos.  I guess that's why he likes the school lunches so much!

This weekend, Sam and Kate were gone for 2 nights camping with my parents.  Charlie doesn't like to sleep alone, so I told him he could sleep with us.  I remembered that he was not a good bed-buddy, but I felt sorry for him.  Oh, wow.  I cannot believe that I ever slept in the same bed with that child. For a month!  It is amazing that he gets any rest at all, because he is restless all night long.  The second night I gave him Melatonin (which he hasn't had in several weeks) just to see if it helped him. It didn't.  We have a weighted blanket, but he just kicks it off.  I hope one day, his brain can calm down enough for him to truly rest.

He does sleep though, usually all night, and wakes up at reasonable times.  About a week ago, I stopped paying him to sleep. I noticed about half of the money out of my change jar was missing and his minion piggy-bank felt heavier than usual.  When I asked him about it, he made something up.  I don't remember what it was, but this was the first time he had lied to me.  I told him that taking money from someone was stealing, and it was wrong.  And if he took all my money, then I wouldn't have money to buy him a birthday present.  He immediately returned the money and said, "This for mommy."  The next morning, I went to give him his quarter (payment for sleeping all night) and he said, "No, Mommy keep it.  For buy Stuart minion for birthday."  And we were both off the hook!

For a while he wanted the Stuart minion that does flips.  He called it the "up-down-Stuart."  But then one day he was playing with it at Target and he realized it passed gas.  And he said, "Oh no!  Stuart pooting!  Mommy no like pooting!  Charlie will get banana-eating-Kevin for birthday.  He no pooting. Mommy no like pooting."  Thank you for being so considerate, Charlie.

Gabe came over to play today.  Sam played much better with him than Charlie did.  Charlie was not very nice and just fussed at him mostly.  He was not his sweet self much the past 2 days, and Stephen and I were pretty worn out by the end of the day today.  But then tonight, he asked to go on a bike ride, and rode for about 30 minutes and despite a pretty bad crash, came home much calmer, and a whole lot sweeter.

Today I was painting Kate's toenails and he begged me to paint his.  I told him it was for girls and all that, but he didn't care.  He would not drop it.  So I painted each big toe the color of his choice.  He was very excited and proud.  He said he'll wear his tennis shoes to school tomorrow so no one will see.

At bedtime he wanted to talk about school and he can't wait to see the class hamster, Peanut, who he calls "The Peanut".  All weekend he asked me what The Peanut was doing.  Was it dark at school? Was the door locked?  Was she hungry?  I am so thankful for Charlie's sweet class, his thoughtful teacher, and The Peanut, who makes Charlie want to go back.