Attachment: Progress

So, we are definitely making progress in attachment, but it isn't as fun and fuzzy as it sounds.  For the past couple of weeks Charlie has wanted to be held a lot, especially in public.  Lucky for me, he is still very light for an 8 year old, but it is still quite a workout to lug him around.  This is a good sign of attachment.  For the past 2 weeks he has not been able to go to sleep without me.  He even cried real tears a couple of nights when I said I was going to check on the other kids and I'd be right back. Sometimes it takes up to 45 minutes for him to go to sleep.  It can get exhausting, but it is a good sign of attachment. He will wrap up some random toy very elaborately with paper and tape and whatever and bring it to me as a "present."  Some days he does this multiple times and makes quite a mess.  This is a good sign of attachment.  Last week we went to church for the first time in ages.  When Stephen left Charlie in his class he clung to him like velcro and begged him not to go.  Good sign. Today he cried when I left him to take the other 2 kids to a movie (even though he didn't want to go).  This was the first time he has cried when I left him.  Again, a good sign. Not easy stuff, but definite progress. And I am happy about it, even though sometimes when I'm losing patience and ready for him to act his age, I need a reminder.  "These are good signs of attachment, Dawn."  Most children bond with a consistent caregiver as infants, and it affects their brain development significantly. So in adoption, sometimes it is necessary to treat them as you would an infant for them to become attached to you. But it can work! The brain can learn attachment, even in an 8 year old.

When we first got Charlie, for the first month or two, nearly anytime he didn't get his way he would tantrum.  He still has tantrums occasionally, but they are pretty few and far between.  That is NOT to say he doesn't get upset, but his reaction is different now.  Sometimes he'll run off to his room, sometimes he'll go to my room and "steal" something (like a lamp or candle) and once he took all the light bulbs out of every lamp in the house and hid them.  His methods are less explosive, which is certainly less exhausting.  Usually he'll come around within half an hour or so and apologize and release the hostages.  I would say this is definite progress too.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Daniel Tiger is THE BEST show for kids with attachment issues.  Charlie watches the same episodes over and over and they almost always apply to him.  His recent favorite is: "When you're feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help."  They have covered so many things that we deal with that we are always singing the little lines back to him, and he really remembers the episode and the lesson he learned.

Recently he was sad that Sam and Kate have so many trophies and he doesn't have any.  So I took him to Goodwill one afternoon and he picked out a trophy for 99 cents.  I told him it was for being such a good son.  He was thrilled and so proud.  That night at bedtime he was being very difficult and had his first tantrum in over a week.  Later, when we were laying in bed he said, "Mom?  I gotta give dat trophy back?"  When I said, No, he was still a good son, he was visibly relieved.  I'm pretty sure Daniel Tiger talked about mistakes too, but I can't remember the song right now.

He seems to be enjoying teasing more.  Maybe also a good sign of attachment?  He will say or do something silly and then say, "Oh, I'm just choking.  Just choking you, Mom."  His English is still funny, but we almost always know what he means or what he is trying to say.  He is still working on pronouns and anyone (male or female) is "her" which really bothers Sam.  He still eats regular food at breakfast like the Chinese: soup, noodles, dumplings, occasionally yogurt or fruit.  The other day he asked for corn. (!)  But he does a good job eating what the family eats at dinner.  He often complains about the food before he even tries it and then once he is told what is for dessert, somehow is able choke it down.

He still tells us he doesn't like us a lot, and this may go on for a very long time.  Luckily (?) Sam and Kate have just gotten used to it and actually ignore it most of the time.  Sometimes I still have the energy and patience to say, "Well, I LOVE you, Charlie."  But most of the time I have to admit I just say, "Oh well, that's too bad, Charlie.  Because you're stuck with us forever."  It depends on my mood and what kind of day we're having.  He has told me once or twice in the past couple of weeks that he likes me better than the nannies ("mamas") at Bethel.  That may not sound like a big deal, but as many times as he has said the opposite, I think it is kind of a big deal, personally.