Someone I don't know and have never met pm'd me a while back about one of my recent posts saying that I told Charlie that we adopted him because he was smart, handsome and funny. She said that I shouldn't have said those things, I should have just told him that we adopted him because it was God's plan and we just knew when we saw him that he was our son. At first I reacted pretty defensively. Who did she think she was? She doesn't even know me. Pretty bold to be calling me out on this. Plus, even though it was God's plan, we did not "just know." We were open to several boys, but he stood out to me because he was smart, handsome and funny. I might be shallow, but I am honest.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was partially right. As important as honesty is to me, and as much as my intentions were in the right place, I need to boost his confidence in God as much (or more) than I do his confidence in himself or in my love. Granted, his question "Why did you want me when you didn't even know me?" caught me off guard, and I'm not beating myself up too much, but this random lady with her boldness and good intentions did make me think about focusing less on his attributes and more on God's goodness.
BUT, I am not a sugar-coater. I don't want to just tell my adopted kids that it was just God's plan that they be in our family, because I believe that minimizes their loss. They were given up by their parents. Whatever reasons they had, there is no doubt in my mind that it was a hard decision for them. They probably still think about them all the time. And I'm sure that Charlie and Kate think about their birth parents more than they let on. That is a big part of who they are. So, even though ultimately God has redeemed their story of loss and they now have a forever family, it is not a happily ever after story. They will be dealing with the loss of their birth parents for the rest of their lives.
When Kate wants to talk about her birth parents we do. When Charlie wants talks about Duodian we do. When Kate is frustrated when people don't believe she is Chinese, she tells us. When Charlie feels "nerbous," he tell us. I am grateful for the openness and honesty that I have with my kids. I keep it real with them, and they keep it real with me. We apologize to each other daily. We are honest with each other about everything, sometimes to a fault. But because we are so open about everything, I think it makes it easier for them to tell me the big stuff and the little stuff that bothers them. Especially with Kate and Charlie, that's a big deal.
For a short while several months ago, I was feeling so accomplished. Charlie was sleeping in his own bed, in his own room and went to sleep with little more than Melatonin. Then when we realized we had some big attachment issues, we let him go to sleep in our bed and then moved him to his room when we went to bed. Through a deeper attachment, we found out that he had a lot more fear than he had been admitting. For the past month or so, he has been sleeping on our floor. The other night he asked me to hold him tight while he went to sleep because it helps him feel safe. He said he often "feels 'fraid" at bedtime. I personally feel like the openness and honesty that we have in our home makes it easier to admit stuff like that. Things are often messy. I yell. Our kids fight a LOT. Our house is always a wreck. But we are real.
Kate told me this weekend that it really bothers her that Charlie has been sleeping in our room. It feels very unfair to her. So, at dinner last night, I told her to talk to him about it. She said she didn't like it that he got to sleep in our room and she didn't. So we asked him to explain why he felt like he needed to sleep in our room. He said he feels safe and likes our fan and humidifier. Sam said he could keep Charlie safe in their room too, and they all three ran upstairs together with a plan. They made Charlie a pallet on the floor, surrounded by pillows (including one of mine because "it smell like Mama") and in between our fan and humidifier. The floor was soaking wet from transporting the water-filled humidifier across the room, but everyone was happy. And Charlie slept great.
So, usually this openness and honesty with each other pays off. But if any random person wants to call me out on it, I'll listen.
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