Attachment: Continued

When I wrote my last post, I was feeling a bit jarred.  Not sure how big of a deal all of this is and a bit hurt and irritated that I was being manipulated by my son.  But after speaking with our post-adoption support counselor, I felt much more enlightened and empowered. She reminded me of many of the things that I already knew, but forgot.  When Charlie acts mean, he is likely just scared.  She said that at his age, she would highly doubt that he is intentionally being manipulative. She reminded me of how his past not only affects his ability to understand family permanence, but it also affects his ability to understand and grasp the fact that we really, actually, truly, wholly, love and accept him. Even though all of this is not easy on me, it is actually harder on him than anyone.  The fact that he was scoping out other families was his natural instinct when things were getting harder at home.  I don't think we necessarily did anything all that wrong, but I am thankful that we had a couple of red flags to bring to our attention that his attachment to us is not where it needs to be. Basically all of this boils down to the fact that as he is peeling layers off and becoming vulnerable, he is scared and feels defensive because he hasn't completely attached to us.  And attachment can take a loooong time.



When I discipline him, he feels very threatened and scared.  When I calmly correct him, he perceives it as me "yelling."  Whether that's because correction is new for him, or the fact that he feels afraid that I don't like him when I say I don't like his behavior, he is feeling judged and anxious.  So, he brings out his defense by telling me I'm 'mean and always yelling.'  My natural instinct (of course) is to defend myself and tell him that I am not mean and tell the other kids to vouch for me and convince him that he hasn't even heard me yell (they have)!  But after being re-enlightened with all of these things earlier this week, when he has said these things to me since then I have said, "I'm sorry you feel like I'm being mean.  I love you so much,  I want you to feel safe.  But we need to work together on your behavior.  I am going to move your clip down, but let's work on improving __________ so we can move your clip back up again in just a minute!"  For the most part, this has worked incredibly well. Several times this week when I have done something nice for him or shown grace he has said, "Why you be so nice to me?"

The other day, Kate asked me if I was going to have any more babies.  I said no, but if we decide we need another baby, we will just go back to China to get one.  Then I picked up Charlie and said, "But now, Charlie is our baby."  He immediately and completely seriously said, "Mom, when Charlie get died you go back to China to get another baby?"  No!  Charlie!  You aren't going to die!  Let's just focus on you being our baby forever for now!  Ack!  We have all been trying to praise him more and tell him how much we love him. Stephen cracks me up, but it's so sweet.  Charlie will say, "Daddy, let's go to the park."  And sweet Stephen will say, "That's a great idea!  I love going to the park with my special son.  I love having fun with you.  We are your family forever and we love you.  Let's go to the park and play!"  It seems so over the top that it is kind of hilarious, but I'm telling you, he is eating it up! Karyn Purvis would be so proud.

He has also been more than happy to be babied a little more, for attachment and bonding. I have been carrying him more again.  (Since I almost never exercise these days, I need some heavy-lifting!) The other day we were in the car coming back from a pumpkin patch and I didn't know how to get home so I had to use Siri on my phone.  He said he didn't want me to use "Risi," because she is so annoying and he hates my car and why I have to use Risi and she is so annoying and ugh Mama is so mean, etc. etc. etc.  Completely expecting a tantrum I said, "Charlie.  Mommy is in charge and in order to get us where we are going and keep everyone safe, I need to use Siri right now."  He took off his shoes and socks and threw them on the floorboard.  I looked back at Sam and said, "Do I need to pull over?  Is he about to tantrum?"  Sam said, "I don't know.  He just put his blanket over his head."  The next thing we know, he is fake snoring in the back, pretending to sleep.  When we got home, I said "Oh, my sweet baby fell asleep in the car.  I guess I have to carry him inside to our home."  He said, "Mama keep you safe." He laughed, and so did I.  Relieved that I'd not only gotten us home, and avoided a tantrum, but he learned a lesson and seemed happy about it!

I explained to Kate how we had some things happen lately that made us realize that Charlie may not understand or accept that we are going to love him forever, no matter what.  I said that we know it's hard for her when he gets so much attention, but this is what's going on and why.  She said she totally understands how he feels and fortunately, has been awesome about it this week.  I have been able to give her a little extra attention too and she and Charlie have played really well.  Even though he still gets on her nerves a lot, they both enjoy relational play a lot more than Sam.  They do ring around the rosie on the trampoline or play dolls or house.  He isn't great at games yet, but probably will be before long.  Charlie will often say, "Fine!" or "Not my problem!"  And when I say that is not a nice thing to say, he'll say, "But Kate say this."  (I don't even need to remind Kate and Sam that he is learning from them.)  Yesterday Kate said, "Charlie, I'm not going to say those things anymore because I realize hearing you say them how rude they sound." Well, alrighty then.  Thanks, Kate!

He still hates my car, and complains about it all the time.  Especially on the weekends (because we aren't in the car that much during the week) he completely obsesses over it.  "Which car we take? Oh, not Mommy's car!  It stinks!  It's so loud!  I no like Mommy's car.  I like Daddy's car.  Let's throw Mama's car in the toilet."  He says these things 20+ times a day, at least!  My car is messy, but it does not stink, it is not loud.  It is a nice car and has a 3rd row, so works much better with 3 kids than Stephen's Camry.  I told Charlie yesterday that I want to work together with him to figure out how he can like my car.  Because he is important to me and will be in our family forever.  I want him to be happy and I want to keep my car a long time.  We talked about cleaning it out, how we can keep it clean and smelling nice, and what things he would like to keep in the car to help him.  That is our plan for this afternoon and he acts like he is looking forward to it.

Our brave little buddy has also shown more vulnerability lately.  He will act scared to go upstairs alone or to the basement when it's dark, etc.  Yesterday he would not go in the creek with Sam because he said "the frogs would get him."  When we say we'll go with him, hold him, and keep him safe, and Sam says, "Hold my hand Charlie.  The frogs are nice!"  He gladly joins us.  The other night I was laying beside him in bed and I said, "Charlie I don't think you brushed your teeth.  I smell your dinner on your breath."  He asked me if the animals would come eat him.  I asked him what he was talking about and he said someone in China told him that if he didn't brush his teeth at night then the night animals would come get him. I said I was pretty sure that was not true, but just in case they did I would "get those animals and say, don't mess with my son!  He is mine and you can't have him!" He asked what I would do to them and I said karate chop them.  He liked that answer and said he wanted to "snuggle before sleep." Snuggle is one of my favorite words.  I'm glad he's learned it.  It is an important part of this process.