Onward and Upward

When we first submitted our dossier to China in December, I was told the wait until we received our Letter of Acceptance would be about 2-3 months.  With the blessing (and curse) of social media, it is very easy to connect with other people that are adopting from the same country at the same time.  It is nice to be able to ask each other questions and to be reminded that there are many other people out there doing the same thing and going a little crazy with you.  But when it becomes a curse is when you see so many people passing you by getting their LOA and then many, many people who submitted a month after you getting theirs-- it is an easy recipe for a pity party.  And that's where I was for about a week. Completely anxious.  Convinced our dossier was lost.  Unable to focus on anything else.  But then it was determined that we are still in translation.  Not necessarily good news since we are still way behind where I expected to be right now, but at least our dossier is accounted for.  Don't even know if it's moving... but gosh darnit it's there, and right now that is enough.

I realized through scripture this week that this process had become and idol for me.  I certainly didn't love it, but I obsessed over it.  I scoured the timelines, mulled the calendar.  Wallowed in that nasty pit that I had dug of self pity.  And then that bug zapper that is Facebook.  Every single day, many times a day, people were posting that they got LOA.  I couldn't stay away.  I was trance-like in my consistency of going back, because in many ways it made me feel less alone-- so many others are waiting too!  But then ZAP! Another LOA for someone in amazing, record-breaking time, and I just couldn't take it.  I couldn't focus on Jesus, my family, my health--  and that's why I call it an idol.

I just realized the irony that he is holding a lamb and I'm talking about idols and sacrifice.  Ha!

I told myself that the reason that I have been so anxious about it, is because I am so ready for Charlie to know that he has a family, and they will tell him when we have LOA.  And of course I do want him to know as soon as possible.  But the real reason it was so upsetting was that I worked so, so hard when the ball was in my court and did everything humanly possible to be able to travel in May. And then I felt so jilted when everyone else was getting theirs and I wasn't getting mine.  Did they bust their tails like I did?  Did they really deserve an LOA in 45 days when I've been waiting 75? You know what?  Who cares?  I'm not counting anymore.  Charlie is happy.  He is well cared for.  And I am not.in.control.

Kate asked me how long we waited on LOA for her.  I said I didn't know, I didn't remember it being all that long.  I went to look and realized we waited for 108 days!  HA!  The reason it didn't seem that long is because I had forgotten about it!  It was the average wait it 2009, but it still seemed long to me then.  But once you have that child home, all of the pain is forgotten-- just like child birth! ;)  One day I'll look back and read this blog and say, "Wow.  That feels like forever ago." Here is the blog about Kate's from 2009: We Got LOA!  Funny, funny.

So the upside is that we are more likely to travel with (or right around) the other Marietta-Bethel families, which would be really great.  The downside is that June is the most expensive month of the year to fly to China.  But years from now, I have a feeling we'll remember who we traveled with far more than how much money we spent on plane tickets.  Dontyathink?




My new "coping-with-the-wait-plan" includes lots of fun stuff: including buying Charlie clothes (incredibly fun), honing my Chinese cooking skills and adding recipes to the repertoire-- Kate is thrilled with this part! and thinking about the trip and the after-- not the daily countdown and unfairness of my long wait.  So far it is working.  I am thankful for the new outlook because the other one was not very fun, rewarding or becoming.  Please pray for me, pray for our LOA and I promise I'll let you  know when it comes.  Until then:  "We don't know when we are going to get him."