Attachment: Not As Easy As It Looks

"Charming Charlie" sounds so sweet, and he can be-- so sweet, and so charming.  But unfortunately, with kids from hard places, sometimes it is not as sweet and innocent as it seems.  Post-institutionalized kids often know what to do and how to act to get attention. Whether it's charm, tantrums, manipulation... they can be experts.  They also often don't understand family permanence. Their caregivers have changed so many times that they can't even remember them all.  Someone commented recently that it was sweet that Charlie was calling me "Mama."  Well, at Bethel he called all his nannies Mama.

We have noticed recently that his behavior at school and with babysitters is better than it is with us. Not terribly alarming, and many parents probably feel this way.  But this weekend my eyes were opened to the seriousness of it.  He really wanted to spend the night with my parents and we let him. He has been home 3 months, he loves us and bonding is going well, right?  Maybe not.  Grandparents love to spoil children and my parents over-index in the department.  His behavior was great with them--much better than it is with us, and (according to Sam) Charlie told them that I am mean and always yell at him.  Last night he told me he wants to live with them, and this morning during a normal morning with no drama, he told me that I am "so mean and always yelling."  Again, not true.  My first thought was that he was just manipulating me, but after I did some research and reading on attachment this morning after they left for school, I think he might have meant it.  I wonder if he thinks, "Maybe if things don't work out here, I'd like to keep my options open for my next home."  To many that may sound crazy, but to an adopted child who is not sure how long this family thing will last, it is survival.  He may also be testing me to see if I really do want to keep him, even though he might prefer to live with someone else.

When we adopted Kate, she would not even sit in either of her grandmother's lap for MONTHS!  At the time, we felt so sad and confused by her behavior, and of course that was very hard on them.  But now, in hind-sight, that was probably a good thing.  She wanted to make it very clear that I was her mama, and that was that.  Charlie, on the other hand, has spent several more years in institutionalized care, and had many more caregivers.  Though most of them were probably good and kind, they changed multiple times.  Therefore his ability to bond and attach, though it looks good and healthy at first glance (because he is so affectionate and friendly), it very shallow.  We feel quite attached to him, so this is hard to understand and very sad for us, but realizing why he is this way is motivation to really stick with reinforcing attachment and be patient with the process.



On a lighter note, this past week we celebrated his 8th birthday.  We tend to celebrate birthdays for days at our house.  Sam's was one Sunday the 11th and Charlie's was on Thursday the 15th, so between their birthday dinners, friends parties and a family party, we actually celebrated for a full week!  Charlie has been talking about his birthday for months and was beyond excited about his presents and "trampoline party."  He invited friends from school (most of whom we'd never met) and it was so cute to see him interact with them.  They love him and gave him incredibly thoughtful gifts.



In other news, he has lost 2 teeth since my last post.  He got glasses (for protection) but refuses to wear them.  He is still completely obsessed with vending machines.  He has become very fond of calling people Dude.  He lets me know when someone "not be 'spectful" to him.  His vocabulary grows every day.  He still loves water and even though he gets water everywhere, his showers and/or baths are the most peaceful part of my day (when he is home).