When Sam was two and a half, we brought Kate home. She had just turned three and he was so excited to have a sister. They are almost 4 months apart and we call them our virtual twins. He loved her to pieces for 4 days. After that, he was done. She was cute and fun, but she needed (and got) a LOT of attention from us, and she liked to play with his toys. He literally told her almost every day for a while that it was time she "go back China!" The sweet, sweet boy that we had had for almost three years became difficult to live with. He was selfish and could even be mean. One day he was watching Diego on TV and when Kate realized it, she went and got his Diego doll and brought it to him. He threw it across the room, it hit the wall, and he screamed, "Go away! I no like you!"
Over the next year things were very hard. Kate adjusted to a family much better than we expected. But Sam's whole personality changed and we were sad and frustrated to watch that happen. Eventually, Kate's love won him over. She did everything for Sam. She helped him put on his shoes, she helped in the bathroom, she patted his back all the time. She always called him "my Sam." By the time they were four, they were best friends. And still were until they turned eight. Now there is a ton of bickering, which I think is pretty typical for siblings their age.
Now it's usually Kate that is the jealous one. She always compares things with Sam and gets upset if she thinks we are showing favoritism. Sometimes she has a right to be jealous-- nearly everything comes easy for Sam, and Kate has to work longer and harder on things from homework to basketball. But she is amazing at making friends, has a phenomenal memory for historical facts, and can forgive anyone in seconds. I'm not sure if Sam learned how to forgive quickly from her or not, but over the past six months I have been shocked, amazed, and inspired by how quickly and easily all of my kids get over conflict, hurt, and disagreements.
Sam loves to make movies. He usually writes a "book" and then that becomes his screenplay. He obsesses over these movies for weeks, recruiting neighborhood kids, making props, wrecking our house. They get better and better in quality, but they create a lot of drama. Kate and especially Charlie want to do other things besides work on Sam's movies all day long. I have been very impressed lately though with how they are learning to compromise and work their issues out. Charlie was the star of the lasted film called, "The Blind Boxer." He had lines and everything. Sam paid him 50 cents per scene and told him it was vending machine money. Genius!
Sam got a Contraption set for Christmas that came in a really thick, nice cardboard box. Yesterday, the top of box was lying upside down on the floor and Charlie went and sat down in it. His knees where pressing the sides out and it looked like he was going to tear the box. Sam said, "Charlie, you're hurting that box, get out." Charlie said, "But it's not yours. I want it. IIIII never have a box like this." And he took his fingers and started to tear the box. Sam went ballistic. I told him to remain calm and ask again, just a little sweeter. He did. It didn't work. I said, "Charlie, you are being disrespectful to Sam's things. You need to make a choice. You can get out of that box now, or I can get you out of it and move your clip down." He started to lose it (kicking, tearing), so I picked him up and he went to bite me.
Full-blown tantrum that I have not experience in months ensued. It didn't last long, but it was intense and exhausting. When he was still upset, but no longer scratching or biting me, I turned him around and held him like a baby. Sam came up and started kissing his cheeks. He said, "It's okay, Charlie. It's okay. We love you. It's okay." My pulse was racing, I was sweating from head to toe, and all I could think was, "Look out, Sam! He might bite your nose off!" But he didn't. He said, "I'm sorry." As we were rocking, and I was very slowly calming down, I said, "I know you were jealous about that box, Charlie. But you have an awesome box that's all your own. Your marble maze box has latches and a handle. Sam's box doesn't have either of those things." He got up, went to get the box, sat on it and said, "Look Sam! I have cool box too!" Sam said, "Yay. Yes you do."
They immediately went back to playing. I was still catching my breath-- I needed a cold shower and a glass of wine, and they appeared to be unphased by the whole thing! The rest of the day, everything was completely fine between the two. The whole thing was so silly and yet so eye opening. Sam has been transformed by these kids coming into our home. I know he is just naturally a good kid. I know that. But because of these adoptions, he is more compassionate, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient.
Older child adoption WILL upset your apple cart. No doubt about that. But amid the chaos and mess, your children will all become better people. I am convinced. I cannot wait to see the kind of adults they grow up to be.
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