People are always amazed at what Charlie can do with his limited vision. And it is pretty amazing. So much of his fearless/try-anything attitude is just how God made him. He is a brave and thrill-seeking little boy. He loves roller coasters, water slides, riding a bike, flying downhill on a big wheel, etc. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have fear. He has a lot. Because of his past, he fears what most kids never even think about-- that he is unloved, that we may not be his forever, that he can't trust anyone. And all of this fear adds up to a lot of anxiety.
His anxiety makes him want to control everything. And when he can't control a situation, he will talk about it so much and argue about it so much, that Stephen and I just want to go jump in a lake. He also still refuses to be alone. Ever. He will not bathe alone, go outside alone, go upstairs alone, go downstairs alone, sleep alone, or play alone. He will use the bathroom alone, but usually leaves the door wide open.
Recently Kate asked me, "When is Charlie going to stop being 'traumatized'?" With her fingers up in quotation marks. Of course this sounds funny coming from a 9 year old sister who also has some issues, but the answer is kind of sobering... maybe never. We are clearly working on building trust, minimizing fear and giving him a sense of security, but kids from hard places can take years and years to recover from the trauma of their past. They may appear "normal" on the outside, but secretly hide food out of fear of going hungry. Or refuse to give a toy to a friend out of fear they may never see it again. Or ask their parents 247 times where they're going and what they're doing that day because they're not sure they're telling the truth.
Because his brain didn't develop in a secure environment of love and nurture, where his cries often weren't answered and he had to fend for himself for many hours in a day, his brain didn't develop emotionally healthy. Sometimes when he is acting like a 3 year old, I have to remind myself of this. It is wild though, because he is so smart, sometimes it feels like he is older than he actually is. So, all in all I'd say he is emotionally like a 3 year old, physically like a 6 year old, cognitively like a 9 year old and actually he is 8 years old. So put all of that together, and he's a little tough to parent.
He and Stephen have been seeing an Attachment Therapist for about a month now. They go about once a week for play therapy, which is giving us some insight and tools to help him open up and be more accepting of Daddy. He doesn't really like to go, and had a total meltdown when it was time to go see her the other day, but I think it is helping all of us, at least a little. I told him he doesn't have to play, he doesn't have to talk, but he has to go. Forcing him in the car kicking and screaming to go to a counselor and talk about his feelings feels slightly like abuse, but he has been home long enough now that there are just some things he is going to have to do because we say so, whether he likes it or not. If he has a nice attitude Daddy rewards him with a "hodge fun sundae," but he doesn't always...
Since my last post, we have had some fun firsts. He had his first Mother's Day with a mom, he finished First Grade, had his first camping (glamping) experience, watched a movie (!), rode a real train, and caught his first fish. He continues to amaze, entertain and exhaust us. His English is incredible and people tell me he's losing his Chinese accent, but he definitely has a Southern one! In a few weeks we will celebrate one year as a family.
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