We have learned so much in the past 11 months since we met Charlie. He has stretched us and broken us. As fun and entertaining as he is, he is just as challenging and tiring. We have read book after book, attended seminars, participated in classes, and talked with people who have traveled this road before us. We have recently started counseling and play therapy, and besides the lesson that underlies everything (broken kids are wired differently), the lesson that keeps showing up is this: playfulness and a sense of humor is an absolute must with these kids.
Charlie is intense. His highs are high but when his (already anxious) brain gets mad, he takes a ride on the crazy train. He gets this intense look and every muscle in his body goes tight. But he is also an 8 year old boy with a great sense of humor. We have seen time and time again how silliness and playfulness can often redirect him to an "exit ramp" off of the crazy train. Sometimes it works so quickly that he forgets why he was so upset and who it was that he was ready to punch. (Or bite.) It doesn't work every time, and it is not super natural for us, but we have learned to use it often when we need to. And what a powerful tool it is. Stephen has become very good at it.
One day a few months ago, Stephen took Charlie to the grocery store with him. He loves going to the grocery store, but was mad at Stephen for some reason or another and refused to get out of the car. Stephen could have forced him out, kicking and screaming, he could have said, "fine then, you win. we'll go back home." Instead he remembered something he'd read about redirecting a stressed out child with play and he said, "Look, Charlie! Here's that pink elephant we were talking about! (Enter imaginary pink elephant.) Here he is! Oh wow! Do you think he wants to go shopping with us? We can show him around the grocery store?!" Immediately, Charlie flipped a switch and was eager and enthusiastic to show this pink elephant around his favorite place, the grocery store.
If Charlie is not being obedient about going upstairs for bed, or brushing his teeth, or putting on his shoes, clothes, etc. instead of nagging, begging, threatening, etc. we will either say, "Ok Charlie, let's race the timer. See if you can do it faster than you did last time." Or we will race him ourselves by running up the stairs or putting on our own shoes, etc. He finds this fun and irresistible.
Sure, we could punish him for not being obedient immediately. We could attempt to gain respect and authority by physically showing him who the boss is. But I have my doubts that it would be effective with a kid like him. First we teach him how to be a member of a family, then we praise him for getting it right every now and then. And letting him get attacked by the tickle monster as "punishment" for not getting out of bed when he is supposed to is a lot more fun (and possibly more effective) than forcing him out or screaming at him.
This is not a blog post for how to parent your typical kid. It is a revelation of what we have seen work with a kid that, when he feels threatened, either completely shuts down or becomes violent. Play is powerful in this house. Not only does it work to redirect, it takes less energy than fighting or punishing, and it seems to be helping with Charlie's budding sense of humor. He has always been funny in a cute, entertaining way, but lately he is really blossoming in wit and humor. We are enjoying that part.
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