What On Earth Have We Done?

This week I was looking at the photo album of Charlie's life that Bethel gave us.  The first picture starts when he is 2, when he first arrived at Bethel, and the last one is when he is "meeting" us via Skype.  I have looked at this a few times over the past months, and enjoy getting glimpses into his life before us.  But this week looking at those pictures broke me.  I wept.  I was suddenly struck by all of those years that this sweet and amazing boy went without a family.  His file was prepared when he was 2, and we were told that we were the first family to ever even request to look at it.  Charlie!  The most amazing kid!  No one had ever even asked to look at his file.

So, my heart broke for him.  But it was also a fresh reminder (and I believe from the Lord) that there are so many other kids, that are just as amazing as Charlie, that are waiting for someone to step up and ask for their file.  They are still fatherless.  They are watching the other, younger kids get adopted.  Their hearts are breaking.  God's heart is breaking. And so is mine.  I am specifically praying for a family for Robbie.  He is just as awesome as Charlie, looks great in a tux, and would bring so much joy to any family.  Yet he waits, and waits.

I personally believe that adoption can literally change the world.  In China, orphans age out of the system at 14 years old.  If they are not adopted, they can't do much for the world, but the world does a lot to them.  If they are adopted, they become brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, engineers, teachers, lawyers, nurses, doctors, social workers, world CHANGERS!



I don't have to tell you how many people Charlie has already blessed.  If you read this blog, you know.  If you know him, you know.  (And he is even more of a blessing now that he is on medication for ADHD-- Ha!)  But, who knows what would have happened to him, had we not said YES to God's call to adopt?  We might be crazy, we might be brave, but we're not special.  We are normal people who don't want to regret not doing something that we know is the right thing to do.

We have been home nine months, and there are still days that I am so overwhelmed that I think, "What on earth have we done?"  But I never, ever regret the decision decision to adopt.  I know that adoption is not for everyone.  Not everyone is called to adopt, not everyone is equipped to do it.  But I do believe that many, many people would like to, like the idea of it, but just never take the leap.  If you think you might be called, please talk to us.  Please pray about it.  Talk to your family about it. You can change the world, one vulnerable child at a time.

Oh You Fancy Huh?

Cruising.  I am not a huge fan, but for the past two years Stephen's job has been to market a new kind of cruising, for people that want to make a difference in the countries that they visit. He and a small team of people created Fathom with Carnival Corporation.  My parents are huge fans of cruising and they were planning on going on a Carnival cruise to The Bahamas over Spring Break, so we decided to join them.  Lord knows we needed a vacation, and we weren't sure how Charlie would do on a Fathom cruise at this point.  Well, he loved the Carnival cruise.  And he loved the "Bahameds."



It sailed out of Charleston on Tuesday.  We arrived on Monday and went to get some seafood for dinner.  On a whim at dinner, my mom said, "I wonder how far we are from the B-E-A-C-H."  I looked it up on my phone and we were only 10 minutes away.  So after dinner, we drove down to Folly Beach and Charlie met the ocean for the first time.  He could hear it and feel it, but due to his vision seemed to have no concept of how big it was.  Within just a few minutes he was all the way in, and it was FREEZING.  His squeals were adorable.  Watching him that night was a memory that we will all keep forever.  It was magical.  On the way back to the car he said, "Mom, do we have one of those close to our house?  I love it."

The cruise was a bit challenging at times with Charlie, due to his impatience, hyperactivity and sensory issues, but overall he had a great time. Thanks to his cane, he was very independent getting around, and it was very entertaining to watch people watch him.  I typically would follow him about 10 feet back to give him some autonomy, but not quite as much as he thought he had.  Since I am white and he is Chinese, most people didn't realize that I was with him, because I don't really look like I would be his mom.  One time this guy stopped him and said, "Hey buddy, what's your name?"  (Thinking he was lost.)  My mom chimed in and said, "Oh, he's with us."  About the same time Charlie said, "I'm Charlie."  So the guy said, "Hey, Charlie.  Where are you from?"  And he said, "I am from China, but now I live in America because my family adopted me.  8 months ago.  I am 8.  8 year old."  The guy said, "That's so awesome.  We are so glad you are here!"  I got tears in my eyes then, and I have them now.  People can be so kind in little moments like that.



Another time, Charlie and Sam were in the hot tub and Charlie got out.  Apparently it didn't occur to Sam that Charlie didn't know where we were, nor could he find us, since he can't see more than one foot in front of him.  About 10 minutes later, Sam came out and walked over to our table.  He said, "Charlie got out about 10 minutes ago, but I don't know where he went."  My heart stopped and I started rushing all over the deck.  It was so crowded.  I didn't see him anywhere.  About 2 minutes into the search, I hear the DJ say over the microphone, "Dawn, your son Charlie is on the stage looking for you.  He wants you to come and dance with him!"  Lol!  Charlie said he had been all over the deck (without his cane) and finally someone asked him if he was lost.  By this point on the cruise, most people recognized the independent Chinese boy with the cane, and many even called him by name!  (There were 2,000 people on our ship.  He made his mark.)

He always wanted to lead our group.  Whether he knew where he was going or not.  He would get very irritated if we tried to "cut" in line.  He is a fearless, confident, 8 year old leader, who has never been on a cruise ship or to The Bahamas before, and he cannot see.  So it got interesting.



Another amazing moment was Charlie's first (witnessed) sunset.  He sees light really well, and perched up in our window, he could actually see the sun disappearing.  He was cheering for it and squealing, and when it was gone he said, "That was amazing!  That really made my day!"  And danced around on the bed.



Charlie loves fancy things and likes the idea of being fancy, but since he can be like a bull in a china shop and is so loud and crazy, he hasn't had many opportunities to be so. He didn't do great in the dining room at dinner but did at breakfast because you get pastries right away.  We got him decaf coffee and he drank it with a spoon and ate 4-5 danishes every time.  He'd say, "I'm so fancy.  Look how fancy."  The servers were great with him and called him by name.  They'd bring him whatever he asked.  He ate like a king.

One afternoon my mom asked him which pair of shoes he wanted to wear-- his flip-flips or his Crocs?  "Which one is fancier?" he asked.  Next time we'll bring a suit and tie.

There was a camp for the kids that Sam and Kate enjoyed and Charlie went to a couple of times.  He liked to explore and roam, and they stayed in one room, so he got a little bored. There was a Green Eggs and Ham themed breakfast that he couldn't handle because it was so loud and you had to wait for food, but luckily my parents were able to take him for a walk so the rest of us could enjoy it.  It was awesome!  We LOVE Dr. Seuss.

For weeks before the cruise, Charlie asked repeatedly about the piano bars.  He was very curious about them, and I was concerned that he wouldn't be allowed in.



Well, the actual piano playing didn't start until 9:30pm (he goes to bed about 7:30-8:00), but he was allowed in to look around, and he loved the neon signs all over the place.  He touched every square inch of that piano bar.

When we were in Freeport, he had lots of questions for our taxi driver, and sat up front with him. The driver was charmed and really enjoyed him.

Charlie said for a souvenir he wanted something really, really fragile.  So, we helped him pick out a glass dolphin.  He loves seeing the light come through it.  It is really, really, fancy.  And currently still intact.

The Times They Are A-Changing

I just read over my last post which started with "I don't want to jinx anything, but things are going really well."  Ha!  Well, I do believe I jinxed something.  That was about 6 weeks ago.  Since then, things have sort of been out of control with us.  I had surgery and have also been diagnosed with high blood pressure.  Stephen turned 40 and quit his job (which sent Charlie into some sort of tail-spin: he doesn't like change and doesn't particularly like Stephen being home all that much). He has been incredibly difficult and much more defiant for several weeks now.  He was also diagnosed with ADHD, no surprise there.  We have had him almost 9 months and we have never once seen him tired. He moves all the time.  He talks all the time.  It is almost funny to watch him go to sleep.  He'll be bouncing his head up and down, up and down, talking, twisting, then BAM.  Snoring.



I used to be a little judgmental of other parents.  Certainly before I had kids, then a little less after. But if a kid was out of control in public, or having a tantrum, or disrespectful to their parents, I assumed it was the parents' fault.  Or if they didn't read on grade level, then their parents must not be reading with them at home.  Or if the parents looked worn out and ragged, well, they shouldn't let their kids run the house.  This judgment my friends is stupid, pointless, and doesn't help anyone. More often than most of us realize, those kids have an issue or a diagnosis that makes things this way. Not always, I'll give you that. But definitely more often then we realize.  I now know from first hand experience.



I am sure people judge me.  "Well, she signed up for this. It was her idea to adopt these kids. She made the bed, now she can lie down in it."  Yes, I did.  And I hope and believe that one day, it will all be worth it.  So let's pray it is so, and encourage one another along the way.



What is interesting about having kids, biologically or grafted in through adoption, is you never know what you're going to get, or get yourself into.  With Kate we signed up for a Chinese toddler with albinism.  We were told that she would be visually impaired, we thought that meant she would wear thick glasses.  She ended up being legally blind (even with correction), hearing impaired (she wears hearing aids), dyslexic (this affects more than you might think), and she is also the sweetest member of our family.  Once we realized we could handle visual impairment, we signed up for Charlie.  He ended up being the most hyper kid we have ever known, having a lot of emotional baggage, the brightest ray of sunshine (on his good days), and possibly the smartest member of our family.



We were obedient to God in the call to adopt.  He gave us more than we "signed up for" in more ways than one.  But the lessons we are learning along the way, truly make it all worth while.  I'm not just saying that.  Not only do 2 amazing kids have a forever home now, but we are changing too.  I am more patient, compassionate, resilient and resourceful than I ever was before.  Some friends of ours told us recently that they have been talking about adding to their family through adoption.  We were at their house the other night and the husband jokingly said, "If we bring that up with the Seabolts, they may tell us we're crazy."  Maybe, but man, crazy is good!  Isn't it more exciting than the status quo?




Yesterday in the car Kate said, "I wish I was just normal and could read like other kids."  Normal? Why would you want that? Normal is so boring.  Because of her diagnoses, she thinks about things other than being popular.  She sees big picture.  Having special needs is not easy, but I truly believe that it gives her grit, compassion, and determination.  And y'all she is going to be an amazing adult. Her passion for the marginalized is contagious.  Her zeal for history is shaping her into a world changer.



Sam has had to put up with a lot with these adoptions.  An acquaintance who is a counselor recently asked me how I thought having these kids with all of these needs was affecting Sam.  I don't want to forget about his feelings, I know it is not easy every day.  But there is not a doubt in my mind that it will shape the kind of man that he grows up to be.  One who knows the world does not revolve around him.  One who sticks up for people.  One who gets that a person's past trauma can affect them forever, and has compassion for them.



Stephen is taking some time off to decompress, get back to a healthier place mentally and emotionally, and to connect with Charlie.  He is doing some soul searching to figuring out what he wants to do next with his career.  He and I are tired and emotionally spent, but we are laughing more than we have in years.  We are all changing.  I hope you are too.  Whether it is through adoption, giving God control of your life, and/or making the world a better place-- be different!  It's worth it.

Abundant Joy- Six Month Update

I don't want to jinx anything, and I know we are not totally out of the post-adoption craziness, but I just want to celebrate for a minute how far our sweet boy has come.  We met Charlie in July.  If you asked me 6 months ago to describe him, I would've said: crazy, energetic, volatile, emotional, smart. If you asked me 3 months ago, I would've said: controlling, majorly sensory sensitive, energetic, fearful.  If you asked me today, I would say: joyful, inquisitive, loving, happy, and so, so smart.

He still has some fear, but nothing like he did.  He is becoming much more flexible.  He is reading Braille, he is mastering English.  He still gets jealous, but so does Kate and she's been home 6+ years. He is appropriately sad when we leave him and appropriately happy when we return.  He doesn't ask us if we're going to come back, because he now believes that we will.  He knows when he is behaving and he lets everyone else know it too.

Three months ago, I had little hope that much was going to be better in the next year and now, looking back, I cannot believe how far he has come in the past month!  His Orientation & Mobility teacher was a nervous wreck at the beginning of the year due to his crazy energy and volatility, and now she is volunteering to take him out in the community twice a month.  Both sets of grandparents can handle him now, and we can easily find sitters for him (Hallelujah!). He has playdates that I don't even stress over and he is already asking if he can go to day camp this summer.

During basketball season he kept asking us when he could play a sport so we could all cheer for him. We're not there yet, but we did sign him up for swim lessons at the YMCA and he keeps asking us if the "whole family" is going to come cheer for him on his "swim team."  He also wants to run a 5K with Sam this spring, so training will soon begin for that.  If anyone has the energy to be a runner, it's Charlie.

We have a dear friend that is pregnant.  Stephen took the kids to visit with their family last weekend while I was away at a retreat.  (Oh, yes I was.)  I am sure that Charlie has been around pregnant women before, but he was not close enough to them to be aware of it.  Well, sweet and patient Jennifer got an earful of questions, because Charlie said he had never known anyone with a baby inside of them before.  How did it get there?  How will it come out?  How does it eat?  How does it pee?  How does it breave?  Etc, etc.  If you don't like curious kids asking you a million questions, you might want to steer clear from Charlie.

We celebrated Chinese New Year (the year of the monkey, how appropriate!) and found a new Chinese restaurant that we were all very excited about.  We rarely eat out with the whole family these days.  With Charlie's behavior, lack of table manners, etc. it's usually just not worth it.  But this place was not crowded, we did not have to wait long, the food was very good and the workers were very nice.  Charlie said the music they had playing made him feel calm.  His behavior was excellent and he ate a TON!  We will definitely be going back there!

Charlie is still busy, but not in a crazy, out of control way.  He loves his sensory bins (one has rice, one has water beads), he loves a trike that his friend is letting him borrow.  He does laps around our house, and listens to music or gives Sam and Kate a ride.  He is on that thing more than he's off, it seems.  Life with him is a lot more fun than it used to be.  Things are still fairly crazy, but that is partly because we are still just adjusting to having 3 kids!  Charlie is enjoying spending more time with Stephen and last week when he was out of town, he really missed him.

He is excited about Valentine's Day and made his box all by himself.  He loves so big and so well, and this is a day to celebrate love.  We love him and it is absolute joy to watch this happy boy become so real with us.  He is a blessing to all he meets-- except to the strangers that don't enjoy his 20 questions!

Honestly...

Someone I don't know and have never met pm'd me a while back about one of my recent posts saying that I told Charlie that we adopted him because he was smart, handsome and funny.  She said that I shouldn't have said those things, I should have just told him that we adopted him because it was God's plan and we just knew when we saw him that he was our son.  At first I reacted pretty defensively.  Who did she think she was?  She doesn't even know me.  Pretty bold to be calling me out on this.  Plus, even though it was God's plan, we did not "just know."  We were open to several boys, but he stood out to me because he was smart, handsome and funny.  I might be shallow, but I am honest.



But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was partially right.  As important as honesty is to me, and as much as my intentions were in the right place, I need to boost his confidence in God as much (or more) than I do his confidence in himself or in my love.  Granted, his question "Why did you want me when you didn't even know me?" caught me off guard, and I'm not beating myself up too much, but this random lady with her boldness and good intentions did make me think about focusing less on his attributes and more on God's goodness.



BUT, I am not a sugar-coater.  I don't want to just tell my adopted kids that it was just God's plan that they be in our family, because I believe that minimizes their loss.  They were given up by their parents.  Whatever reasons they had, there is no doubt in my mind that it was a hard decision for them.  They probably still think about them all the time.  And I'm sure that Charlie and Kate think about their birth parents more than they let on.  That is a big part of who they are.  So, even though ultimately God has redeemed their story of loss and they now have a forever family, it is not a happily ever after story.  They will be dealing with the loss of their birth parents for the rest of their lives.



When Kate wants to talk about her birth parents we do.  When Charlie wants talks about Duodian we do.  When Kate is frustrated when people don't believe she is Chinese, she tells us.  When Charlie feels "nerbous," he tell us.  I am grateful for the openness and honesty that I have with my kids.  I keep it real with them, and they keep it real with me.  We apologize to each other daily.  We are honest with each other about everything, sometimes to a fault.  But because we are so open about everything, I think it makes it easier for them to tell me the big stuff and the little stuff that bothers them.  Especially with Kate and Charlie, that's a big deal.



For a short while several months ago, I was feeling so accomplished.  Charlie was sleeping in his own bed, in his own room and went to sleep with little more than Melatonin.  Then when we realized we had some big attachment issues, we let him go to sleep in our bed and then moved him to his room when we went to bed.  Through a deeper attachment, we found out that he had a lot more fear than he had been admitting.  For the past month or so, he has been sleeping on our floor.  The other night he asked me to hold him tight while he went to sleep because it helps him feel safe.  He said he often "feels 'fraid" at bedtime.  I personally feel like the openness and honesty that we have in our home makes it easier to admit stuff like that.  Things are often messy.  I yell.  Our kids fight a LOT.  Our house is always a wreck.  But we are real.



Kate told me this weekend that it really bothers her that Charlie has been sleeping in our room.  It feels very unfair to her.  So, at dinner last night, I told her to talk to him about it.  She said she didn't like it that he got to sleep in our room and she didn't.  So we asked him to explain why he felt like he needed to sleep in our room.  He said he feels safe and likes our fan and humidifier.  Sam said he could keep Charlie safe in their room too, and they all three ran upstairs together with a plan.  They made Charlie a pallet on the floor, surrounded by pillows (including one of mine because "it smell like Mama") and in between our fan and humidifier.  The floor was soaking wet from transporting the water-filled humidifier across the room, but everyone was happy.  And Charlie slept great.

So, usually this openness and honesty with each other pays off.  But if any random person wants to call me out on it, I'll listen.