Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

I am not the same I'm a new creation
I am not the same anymore
I am not ashamed I will not be shaken
I am not the same anymore

You restore the wasted years, You build the broken walls
Your love replaces fear, Your mercy makes us whole
Adopted, healed and lifted

I bow before your cross, a broken life made new
Amazed at all You are, And who I am in You
Adopted, healed and lifted
Forgiven, found and rescued

You have overcome, it is finished, it is done
Now my heart is finally free
Every chain undone, by the power of the Son
Risen Savior, Reigning King


Literally, as I just sat down to write this blog post about how trying the past week has been, this song by Aaron Keyes just started playing on Spotify.  I am now weeping.  Thank you, Lord.  I am not the same.  Listen to this beautiful song here.
We are not the same.  Charlie is not the same.  We are all being changed.  We are all a work in progress.  Heart reconstruction is hard work.  But goodness gracious, it is worth it.

This week was super busy for me.  We had eye doctor visits, dentist appointments, play dates, trips to Target, Toys R Us, etc... but it wasn't enough for Charlie.  He whined, complained and/or pitched a fit just about every minute we were home. On Friday, we went to a consignment sale and bought several new toys that I had hoped would entertain him for a while so I could be productive at home.  But it didn't really work.  When I told him no, we were not going to the pool... cue the meltdown.  There were several tantrums this week and each time they were because he was told no.  I feel like we have gained enough trust and security with him now where it's time he starts to hear no more often, but it hasn't been pretty. He has also been a little bit slower saying he's sorry after the tantrum, but is still calmer and more cooperative once it is over and all that frustration has been expelled from his body.

Every morning he will say, "Ma.  Today what?"  When I tell him the plan, he'll nod and say, "Tomorrow, I dunno."  Coming from an institutionalized setting, this boy is used to routine.  He is used to not having to wonder what is next.  Everyone always knows what is coming and what is happening.  Not knowing really makes him nervous. He also isn't good about playing alone.  I will suggest multiple playful activities and if he's in one of his moods, he'll just say, "Ma!  Noooo!" However, if I ask him if he wants to clean the playroom, or wash clothes, or mop the floor, he is all in.  

He also seems to have no concept of time.  Again, I think this is because in his previous environments the schedule was so set, he never had to wonder what time it was, or how long one hour was.  Waiting for Sam and Kate to get home from school is brutal for him.  Even though he says he doesn't want to go to school, I think he will thrive in the scheduled environment and it will make being at home a little easier.

He and Kate are getting along a lot better.  Kate loves to play with someone.  Sam likes to play alone.  Kate and Charlie have enjoyed many rounds of Hide & Seek and Hot Potato this week.  They even played "cat" the other day.  Kate was the owner, Charlie was the cat.  This is the first time I have seen him play pretend-- Kate's favorite!  Hooray!

The eye doctor basically told us that Charlie's eyes just didn't form fully or properly when he was en utero.  He was very sweet with Charlie and spoke to him in Chinese.  Charlie wasn't all that sweet back because he doesn't like it when people make him wait.  The doctor told me that he felt that he can probably only see large obstacles, shapes, and he wasn't sure if he could see color.  I was proud to tell him that I know that he can see color because he knows all of his colors in English!  His corneas are so cloudy that the doctor couldn't see in them at all, so he referred us to a retinal specialist who will do an ultrasound of the eye to get a better idea of what all is going on inside.  We won't know if removing the cataracts is possible or beneficial until after that.

He was impressed with how well Charlie gets around with such limited vision.  He said that his confidence and courage are probably why he is able to do so, and that will take him far in life.  We knew he would not be able to drive, would need a cane and Braille, etc.  But I am slightly grieving the fact that he will probably never be able to read print, or watch movies with me.  (Have I told you how much I love watching movies?)  But I know there are audio descriptive movies out there, we just have to figure out that path, and what that looks (or sounds) like.

In his grumpiness this week, he has been talking a lot about Bethel.  He keeps asking me when we are going back there. I think some of that is grief and some of it is manipulation.  The other day when he was mad at me for telling him no about something, he said he missed Duodian and wanted to go back.  Later, I told him that hurt my feelings and that we know he is sad and that he misses his friends and nannies and teachers, but we are his family now and that we will love him forever.  He wrapped his arms around me and said, "I sorry Mama.  I love Mama.  bye-bye Duodian, hello family!"

He is obsessed with carrying around my keys.  Whenever we get in or out of the car, he insists on being the one to lock and unlock the doors.  I thought for weeks that this was just for fun, or control.  But the other day, I had an epiphany.  Kate had her 9 year check-up at the pediatrician.  I didn't want to take Charlie and Sam with me and Stephen was out of town this week.  So my in-laws said they would take the boys to Chick-Fil-A while we were at the doctor.  When I told Charlie that he said, "Ok.  But Charlie take Mama's keys."  Wait, what?  Why?  He said it again.  And I realized the real reason. Keys may me fun and noisy and give him some control, but they also assure him that I can't go anywhere.  If he has my keys, in his mind,  I can't leave.  Like I said in my last post, there are these little reminders from my adopted kids all the time that they doubt our love and doubt our commitment to them.  It is so heart-breaking, and yet so understandable.  

He was abandoned by his birth family at 13 months old and sent to his first orphanage.  Then at 26 months he was sent to Bethel and grieved the loss of the caregivers he had known at the orphanage.  Then at 7 years old he was taken from Bethel to the US with this crazy family.  We tell him we won't leave him, or send him anywhere else, but he is waiting on us to prove it.

Last week I told Kate that I wanted to pray for her.  I told her that God had given me a lot of patience with Charlie. Patience that was not in my nature, but that came from His spirit when I asked Him for it.  (And because so many people were praying for me!)  I told her I wanted to pray for that kind of patience for her too. She said okay.  In my prayer, I asked the Lord to help us show her how much we love her, and to help her know that our love for her would never change and we would never leave her.  When I was finished she was crying.  She said, "I do feel that way mom."  I asked what she meant and she said, "I feel like you don't have enough love for me and Charlie.  I worry about that a lot."  This was so sad to hear, but I am so thankful that she was able to express it.  We had a sweet moment together after that, and God did give her much more patience this week.  I am thankful, because man oh man, did he require a lot!  From all of us.