Back to Life, Back to Reality

We have been home 6 weeks and I am starting to feel like I'm getting my life back.  This week I actually watched a movie, and today I went back to work after a 12 week "maternity leave."  For those who don't know, I'm a nurse.  I work part time weekends in an outpatient clinic caring for patients who have cancer.  I love what I do and have been an oncology nurse for 15 years (!) now.  I wasn't all that excited about going back to work, mostly just because I was worried for Stephen and not sure how Charlie would handle it, but everyone was fine, and I had a great day.  My co-workers kept calling me a saint.  I know they meant it in the nicest way, but it's just a weird thing to hear and accept when you just see yourself as a mom.

Adoption is the most unusual experience in so many ways.  No two stories are exactly alike.  Attachment and connection happen differently for everyone.  4-6 weeks ago, I felt like my hair was on fire.  I was so worn-out, overwhelmed, scared, and yet in love-- all at the same time.  I felt slightly embarrassed by Charlie's crazy behavior, but also protective when I felt like people might be judging him.  I feel immensely proud now when I hear people say (nearly every day!) "I can't believe how much he has changed since I last saw him!  He is so calm now." Calm with Charlie is a relative word.  He is still busy, busy.  But he is more peaceful, and his demeanor has changed a lot.  I have known since the day I met him that most of his craziness was from his stressed-out brain, and underneath all of that is one of the sweetest boys in the whole world.  Choosing to become the mom of a kid you've never met takes courage, but then when they become yours, you are their mother.  You're not a saint.  Dealing with raging tantrums isn't awesome, but when you look past that at the reasons behind them and all that your child has had to endure in their life time, you just do it.  Because you're their mom. 

I had Charlie's IEP meeting on Friday which is where a plan is made for his individualized education plan, since his needs are different than your average First Grader.  He will be in a regular First Grade class and receive Braille Instruction daily and Orientation & Mobility (cane training, etc) weekly.  I met his teacher, who is very sweet, and she said that she has a very kind, calm, and nurturing class and that she just knows that they'll be so excited to have Charlie.  When I told him about his teacher and his class he only had one question: "Class have battery toy, no battery toy?"  He was excited though when we went to Target and bought a Snoopy lunchbox and water bottle.  He starts this Thursday!  Our kids go to school out of our district in order to attend the school with the visually impaired program, so the county sends a bus right to our front door, and all 3 kids get to ride it.  Plenty of people bash the public education system, but for our family, with our special needs, in our county-- we think it's pretty awesome.

We went to the zoo yesterday with my parents and everyone had a wonderful time.  He had a very short attention span (as we expected he would) and was unable to actually see the majority of the animals, but he enjoyed petting a few, and feeding others.  But what he LOVED was the train and carousel.  I think my parents rode the train with him at least 10 times! He rocked his cane and did not freak out once.  I would say he was happy for pretty much the majority of the time that we were there, which was pretty much all day! 

I saw a thread on Facebook this week about adoption disruption and dissolution (when it just doesn't work out-- after you have received the child) and I cannot stop thinking about it. People in this thread were talking about how sad it is and one lady (who is disrupting her adoption) said that they had no idea what it was like, what she was going through.  She named several things that her daughter does and how she just can't take it.  Well guess what.  Charlie has done everything she listed to me.  Out of respect for him I am not going to list these things, but they are not pleasant. The difference in this lady and me is that I expected these behaviors and educated myself on how to handle them.  It is frustrating to me that so many people go into adoption with blinders on-- expecting a kid who has been abandoned and institutionalized, often neglected, sometimes abused... to act like a normal, loving kid.  I obviously don't know her whole story, and don't mean to sound like I'm better than her, I just think that so often people don't talk about how hard it is and how difficult behaviors can be, OR the fact that difficult behaviors do not equal bad child or incompatible family.

I know many people that read this blog are thinking about adopting or are in the process to adopt.  I LOVE adoption, and absolutely don't what to scare anyone out of it.  I just want to keep things real.  Of course I want more people to adopt (there are so many precious, adoptable orphans in the world), but I don't think adoption is for everyone.  And I don't think it's for saints.  It is for people that have a big heart, a strong stomach, a good sense of who you are and why you are on this earth, and a commitment to see this kid through the up's and down's of life-- regardless.  Sometimes they are easy to love and sometimes they are not.  But once they are yours, I really don't think it matters that much.  Love is a choice.

According to The Children's Bureau, 10-25% of adoptions are disrupted.  I am sure that there are cases where it is just not the right fit, and hopefully the child can be adopted by a more suitable family for them.  But I truly feel like there would be SO MANY less if people went in with a realistic, educated mindset and adjusted their parenting styles and expectations to meet the child's needs first.  Charlie has changed so much since we first met him.  I don't think we can take all of the credit.  So much of his behavior back then was just a result of his stress and overstimulation.  But seeing him change, grow, and blossom has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Working with cancer patients isn't always rainbows and sunshine either, but it can be unbelievably rewarding.  I would rather have a life that has these contrasts because then you appreciate the good days, the victories, the life well lived, even more!